The definition of a grudge is a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will due to a past injury or insult. It is a very low level of energy, focused on feelings such as anger, frustration, and blame. It is highly judgmental energy that harbors a lot of animosity and clouds the heart. It doesn’t possess any compassion or empathy for the person or task, and is highly “me”focused. We all feel it at times, we all have held some type of grudge at some point in our lives, at times to our own detriment.
Some of us feel guilt because of the grudge and therefore vacillate between that internal guilt and self-pity with the blame and anger for others. Some of focus solely on the other person and blame so heavily that we lose relationships, family, and hurt others. Some of us are so focused on being ‘right’ that we lose the forest through the trees and cannot forgive or let go of the feelings of resentment. We let every situation build on that feeling until we believe everything we think about the person or situation. We cannot see another side, we are right.
My parents both were what I call grudge-holders. I watched it my entire life. Neither of them were good at letting that negative feeling go, of realizing that what others said and did was about that person, even if directed at you, and that we either should communicate clearly what we don’t like or let it go. When I was growing up I watched my mom’s resentment for some members of my dad’s family transform into her not talking to his sister for a few years. I don’t recall my Aunt not being around, in fact I know she was, but mom just didn’t talk with her. She stopped calling her and doing things with her even though she lived only a few blocks from us. That grudge was created by comments made by my cousin and his wife, that I never fully understood. My mom gave up that grudge (or at least started talking to my Aunt again) when my uncle died suddenly. I also heard my mom make comments about some people over the years that she held grudges about, I am sure that negative energy harboring inside herself was the cause of her losing her voice (literally) for a few years. It came back as suddenly as it left, leaving us to wonder if it was all due to emotions. Now as someone who understands our energy centers or Chakras, I believe because she didn’t feel safe in saying how she felt, she lost her voice (her 5th chakra was out of balance and blocked).
My dad was what I would call a super grudge-holder. He held grudges that ran 40plus years, yet he didn’t let it create a period where we would not see who he held a grudge over. His grudges were almost always personal, and related to his view of life which came from a place of lack and judgment. He also seemed to come at life from a position of competition. He wanted to do things better than others, etc. His grudges seemed to last longer however he didn’t let it get in the way of what his wife wanted or his family. So it wasn’t like we stopped seeing the person or people he held a grudge against, we would just all hear him mumble under his breath leading up to it.
I love my parents with all my heart, and I love them fully, with these imperfections. I don’t have a fantasy memory of either of my parents, I know who they were and still adore and love them. I know there are people in the world who, once someone dies, they only remember them as perfect and don’t see their imperfections. I also see them in a light that allows me to adjust my behavior to take the best of them and try to adjust the patterns of behavior that were the not so good. Judgement and grudges are some of those. I work at no longer judging myself or others. In doing so I have learned to let go of grudges. Do I remember what people have done that has hurt me? Of course I do. I have been hurt a lot in my life, by people who are close to me. I have also worked to let the anger and resentment go about those things. If I didn’t, there a few members of my family and some close friends I probably would no longer speak with or spend any time with. I choose not to do that. I choose to let go of those feelings and understand that what others do is about them. I choose to let go of anger, resentment and guilt. I’m not always great at it, it is something I work at often.
In fact what I have realized is my motivation to find a way to let go of that resentment is because I am alone in the world. I know, I have friends and family who love me and I do. In the end though, I do not have a nuclear family any more. Once I lost my parents, I lost that nuclear family. Most people have a nuclear family. That is their family. Since I don’t have one, I work hard at keeping the relationships I have that add joy and love to my life. I don’t want to lose people. I work to not allow any level of judgement or resentment get in the way. Sometimes it does. Sometimes I show up as my worst self and not my best self. Sometimes I hold a grudge, I am a work in progress.
Each generation has an opportunity to heal those past generational wounds and change patterns for the next generation. I have worked to heal that “I’m not good enough” story that my mom had and that I have had as well. She and I talked about it a lot during the last few years she was alive. I have changed many of my guiding life beliefs from negative feelings about me, judgements about me and others to much more empowering beliefs that allow me to flourish more. During 2021, I worked to repair some relationships that went astray years ago without me fully understanding why other than my immaturity and others’ response to that. I let go of the grudges I felt, I let go of the hurt and feelings of betrayal. I explored how I could have handled things better. This forged some new pathways that allowed for a bit of repair, perhaps all there will ever be, but better than it was. I have released all of that guilt and feelings of anger and am now focused on making the best of what these relationships are today. None of that was easy as I had to let go of assumptions, stop taking things personally and focus on what I could do and what I wanted.
If everyone could focus more on their behavior and the bigger picture, perhaps more families wouldn’t be divided. If everyone could focus more on compassion and empathy for others and for taking responsibility for their own actions perhaps there would be less anger in the world and we would all work together more.
Grudges are such a low level of energy and I, for one, don’t want to play in that energy any longer. If you have a grudge against me, I am sorry I have hurt you and hope someday we can either let it go or have a constructive conversation so I understand it better. If you hold a grudge against someone else, I hope that you can find a way to let that anger go and that resentment go and find a way to come at the situation from a place of compassion and empathy. None of us know what it is like to walk in another’s shoes, no matter what we think. And we definitely do not know what it is like to walk in their shoes and see the situation from their perspective. If we could all get better at that, empathy, we would would all walk a lighter, higher energy path and we would no longer hurt others as much.
This is my wish for all of us moving into the new year; shed those grudges. Release that anger toward others and focus on being the best version of you that you can.