“How old are you and what are you doing?” asked T, my coach.
“I am 5 and I am talking to my best friend John in the garage of the house I grew up in.” I replied
“What are you experiencing as you watch this moment?” she asked me.
“I am crying, he is telling me that his dad said he has to start playing with boys. I am sad that I am losing my best friend. I am angry that I am not a boy and can’t play with him and that he is not a girl so he cannot play with me. I am angry that his dad decided I was no longer good enough for him to play with.”
And that episode began a belief that I wasn’t good enough for the boy I loved to stay my best friend.
He and I remained friends forever and are still friends. This moment though, was placed in my memory, my body, my cells and became the beginning of a belief that at times held me back, at times kicked my ass and at times drove me to be the independent and stubborn leader I became. It sometimes fueled a fire that helped catapult me and at times was the retardant that held me back from believing I was worthy of a man’s love and affection, that I could be the one that was good enough. I wasn’t for either of my husbands and certainly wasn’t for the men that came after them.
Although this moment had come up for me in the past as a turning point for me and my belief structure, it was more about not being able to count on someone to have my back (which came up during this session); and figuring out now that I have my back, period. I don’t need to have someone who puts me first. I have people around me if I need help, and I have me to count on always. What this recent session made me realize though is this also relates to another limiting belief, that it was about a man not being able to stick by me. Not just the “I would like a relationship” man, but even the men I once thought were my best friend, the one who told me he never had a friend like me and then ghost! This started me down the limiting belief path of not being able to trust what a man tells me; ever. That no man will stick by me, I am not worthy of that friendship.
That is how embedded into your physical body and emotional psyche these beliefs can be; simple times in your life that created a belief that then gets validated by life. You think it, then you feel a certain way based on that thought and then behave according to that thought and feeling; therefore getting the result that will validate the thought. I have a thought that men don’t stick around me even as a friend. That thought makes me feel disempowered, lacking confidence, feeling disappointed, insecure and rejected right away. My action or behavior becomes one that may be filled with anger or frustration, I may say something snarky. A behavior could be ignoring, or sending a not so nice text. The result? Ignored again. Therefore validating the thought that men can’t even stick around in my life as a friend. And the cycle continues!
What if I changed the this loop? If the result I want is friendship from someone, then the behavior I display could be sending a text that says I care, or thinking of you, without the snarkiness. To do that, how do I need to feel? Probably at least neutral, maybe accepting that no matter what they are your friend, no judgment. The thought to create that feeling would be “I accept this relationship for whatever it is now”. Or perhaps, “all relationships teach me what I want or don’t want in my life.” This type of re-engineering helps us in the moment or afterwards to understand what I could think and feel to get a different result.
The big work though is in changing the belief behind the thought. That is where the real work comes in now. In changing your belief structure, you have the opportunity to honor yourself and your next level self. One of my new beliefs is “I am my own approval.” This means to me that no body else’s opinion of me matters, that I approve and validate me. That I no longer need external validation to feel worthy in this world. After the session this week with T, I see that this belief is not enough for me to really understand and reprogram this thought that men don’t stick around with me even as a friend. I will need to work on clustering this belief with another to be more impactful for me.
Right now I am working on formulating what that new belief cluster will be. It feels something like this, “when my validation comes from within, I know I am always safe and loved.”
A work in progress. That is what this belief is and what I am. I am so very grateful that this was uncovered as a deeper truth to my worthiness story and I now can get at it, to become an even bigger, better version of me! Here is to more healing, growth and expansion!