How often do we think about being seen? Not being seen as in I can see you physically, but really seen, as a person, as someone with depth, as someone who someone else wants to get to know. Do we really see those around us in terms of who they are, and how we can love them, care for them and be there for them? Or do we only see people who add value to us?
Most of us, I would venture, believe that they see people for who they are. But do we really?
I have a niece with Down Syndrome. You know that when you look at her beautiful face. I remember when she was 16 years old and I took her to a photographer to create Glamour Shot photos, wearing different outfits and having her hair and make up done. The photographer would ask me, “does she want to use the boa scarf?” I would then turn to her and ask her if she wanted to wear that. Then the photographer would ask me if she wanted to try using some prop. I would turn to her and ask if she wanted to use the prop. This went on a few times and I finally looked at him and said, “you can ask her the questions, she knows what she wants.” His response was initially, “oh I didn’t know she would understand me.” Although on the surface that response is understandable from a few perspectives. One is perhaps this person had an interaction with someone who could not understand and therefore they made an assumption that anyone with Down Syndrome will not understand them. Perhaps this photographer has never been around anyone who is differently ables and therefore doesn’t know what to do. Lastly, perhaps this person, like so many I have met, doesn’t really see someone who is differently abled, as if they aren’t even there.
Ahhh, but I have seen this over and over again with this niece especially. Whether it was the person at a Yankee game that asked me if she really understood the game. I asked her to tell the person who her favorite player at the time was and why. And she did. I see any time I am with her and we are around other people.
Recently, though, we had a very different experience that made me pause about being seen. My niece just turned 40 years old. I took her out to dinner, just the two of us. We went to a beautiful restaurant on one of the rivers that is near to us and had a wonderful meal and celebration. As we were waiting for our car at the valet, a man walked over to us. He told us both we looked so beautiful, and asked if we were celebrating something. My niece immediately told him we were celebrating her 40th birthday. He then wished her a happy birthday and asked her what she had for dinner. When she stated she had a steak, he asked her how it tasted. She told him it was great and he shared that he was probably going to get a steak as well and then bid us a beautiful evening and walked into the restaurant.
At no time did he look into my eyes and talk to me. He spoke to her throughout this interaction. He looked right in her eyes and gently asked questions. He listened to each answer and then asked something else that he played off of her answer, truly hearing her. This man brought tears to my eyes because I knew right then, he saw my niece. He didn’t see Down Syndrome. He didn’t see someone who is differently abled. He saw my beautiful, incredible niece, her depth and her ability. I wanted to scream at all the people standing around us and say, “this is what seeing someone is about. This is what being kind is all about. This is what it means to be inclusive.” I didn’t. I thought it all. I wanted so much to hug him, I didn’t.
We got into the car and drove away, all the while with a smile on my face as I witnessed my niece truly being seen. How easy it was for him to be kind and generous to her. How easy it was to make her light up, just by seeing her, making her important, not bypassing her because we are afraid of difference or because we make an assumption.
Being seen is so fundamental to our well-being. When we feel seen, we know that others care about who we are and what our desires may be. When we feel seen, we know that our best interests are cared for. When we feel seen, we feel empowered, we feel important. When we aren’t seen, we feel like we live in the shadows, and we keep ourselves small.
And being seen isn’t just about someone who is differently ables. I remember times in corporate America where I would make a statement and nobody would say anything. About 5 minutes later, a man at the table would say the exact same thing, and people would support the idea and tell him what a great suggestion. At no time would that man say, “well Suzy just said it and you all ignored her. ” Nope, he would take the admiration and puff up his chest a bit more and his ego and thank them. He would take the credit. I can recall only once in all my years that someone else at the table, a man, actually called a colleague out on that. His reaction was to say that Suzy had just said that, and nobody said anything. He made sure others realized that the idea wasn’t this guys. So often we are not seen.
To be seen is fundamental to us, how we feel about ourselves. Be someone who sees others.