When I began this blog, almost 9 years ago, I wanted to be sure that you, the reader, knew you weren’t alone in the cha-cha of life. That healing, growing and transforming is not linear and you are right where you are supposed to be at this moment. I shared my stories as a way to heal myself and enable others to have the courage to do the inner work. The inner work is what truly changes the outer realm. The inner work is what expands you and your capacity for more, for different, for the life you truly desire, not the one you thought you had to live because it was expected of you.
In this cha-cha, you take steps forward, back and side to side. This journey allows you to revisit patterns of behavior, ideas, feelings, thoughts, etc to gain new perspective. It helps when you revisit to see where else in your life these patterns show up. I have found my greatest pattern of behavior has been people pleasing and fawning. That is my number one survival mode, number two is fight. I have never been the flight person or the freeze person. I fight and fawn. I was living my life mostly from a place of searching for worthiness, acceptance, approval and validation from all those around me, especially men. This led to grasping and trying to control relationships and even conversations, asking for advice and guidance because I didn’t trust myself and always seeking approval.
As the healing journey goes on you realize it is never once and done and things get triggered. That trigger or activation is an opportunity to go within again and see what is happening internally. I have found in my journey that connecting back into my body and realizing what I am feeling, where I am feeling it and what created that has led to major breakthroughs in letting go, and in changing. I have changed my behavior and my perspective. I no longer live in the energy of judgment, comparison, competitiveness which is where much of the world seems to vibrate. When I do judge, I immediately ask myself, “what is it about me that made that judgment okay?” Why do I ask that? All judgements that we make are a projection of something going on within us. When I ask this question from a place of curiosity, I realize what is driving my judgment and can change it as well as understand what I am judging about myself.
As we glide through this journey and become much more deliberate and much less on autopilot, we change. Our reactions change. Our behavior changes. For some people around us, it will be welcome and if they are also evolving, you get to grow together. For some people around us, our growth and change will make them very uncomfortable. They will see us as different and because it doesn’t fit with how we used to be with them. That’s okay. That is about them. We are not here to make other people comfortable or do things the way they want versus how we want. We each have our own journey, if they choose to not evolve, that is okay. If their evolution means that you no longer have the same relationships, that is okay. Everyone needs to be on their journey, and not worry about others.
Sometimes, though, we may find that in our new way of responding, we may come across as cold, unfeeling, or treat others differently than we intended. I found this recently. I do not apologize for my actions, I didn’t do anything that needs apologizing for. I made a decision that was for me, and if someone else didn’t like it, that isn’t about me. However, I found my anger in the situation difficult to quell, difficult to get it all out. And because I hadn’t worked to get those feelings out enough, they were evident when I wished they were not. Again, that is my humanness. I do take ownership and responsibility for it. I recognize I could have handled myself differently that may have been better for me, and all.
And the journey continues. We get activated by something that basically rips the scab off of a wound. Now we get to dive deeper into that wound, better understand it and work with our beliefs, our bodies, our feelings, and all the tools we have to heal, grow and transform from this new deeper place. In doing so, we begin to elevate to another version of ourselves. That is where I am now. Beginning to understand who I want to become to have the next level life I am dreaming about!
The Cha-Cha of Life….