Twenty Years…

Twenty years ago, the world shifted on its’ axis, and the family was never the same. Twenty years ago, my big brother passed away unexpectedly at the age of 50. At times, it felt like an out of body experience, numb, watching it all instead of participating.

The days are burned into memories; the conversations, the tears, the pacing, the recognition that he wasn’t coming back to us, the decisions, the haunted looks on faces, the outcome. You can’t get away from the, they do not burn away over the years. They sit with you, and you sit with them. You don’t cry as easily, you may not feel the depths of what was felt 20 years ago, and then some days you do. My mom’s eyes were never the same. She had an empty look in her eyes from that time forward, if you paid attention you saw it.

You learn so much from grief, not in the moment but as time moves you further away from the event. You find that you may have judged yourself or others during that grief, thinking that people grieve the same. They don’t. That is the biggest learning, nobody grieves and feels what you feel. Nobody’s grief is more or less than anyone else. Grief is not a moment in time and is not an emotion that you just “get over” at some point. It changes you. It either softens you or hardens you, it depends on the person. Bypassing the emotion of grief is unhealthy, bypassing any emotion is unhealthy, but people think after the funeral you should be back to your old self. NEVER! You never go back to your old self. You will never be that version of you again, that version died with the person who died.

You get to decide what version you want to become. If grief hardens you, then this next version will have a guard, a wall up. They will no longer care about people the same way, if you do you are bound to get hurt when they die. So, you stop yourself from getting too close. You remind yourself that being alone is better because it won’t hurt as much. Hardening yourself will protect you from the same hurt again, although it will also potentially keep you from loving someone again, or being loved again. Grief is the price to pay for loving someone.

If grief softens you, you will feel things more. You will try to ensure that others around you feel loved by you. Your next version may become an even bigger giver, trying to help others through whatever they are feeling. Softening you sounds good, it also could lead to further heartbreak when others do not respond in a way that makes you feel good about what you did. Softening could also be seen, at times, as still in grief, which of course you are, but the outside world thinks you should be over it. Softening through grief may allow you to become more empathetic to others.

In the end, grief changes you. Losing someone you love changes you. To deny you are different is to deny your grief. To stay stuck is to deny your grief. And it changes families. It changes the relationships in families. Sometimes people get closer, sometimes they do not. Sometimes the void creates other voids.

Grief is not a simple emotion and we all grieve differently. Yesterday, my brother and I met at my older brother’s grave so we could be together, the 3 of us. Sometimes it feels as if it was a lifetime ago and sometimes it feels as if it was yesterday. The 3 of us had a bond that was beautiful, especially the two of them who were only 3 years apart and together all the time as kids.

Grief is not a simple emotion and 20 years doesn’t make it any simpler. It does remind you to live for today, to love for today and to keep your memories in your heart forever.

Twenty years….