Trust is an interesting concept. Some of us think of trust as something earned. Some of us think of trust as something you give until it is broken. Some of us trust others far more than ourselves. Some of us only trust ourselves.
All of these ways of thinking about trust boil down to one thing, us. Our lens or filter by which we look at life or believe (or not believe) in ourselves. Our ability to see things as they are versus how we think they are, or the story we tell ourselves. Our ability to take radical personal responsibility when we do not trust or lose someone’s trust due to our behavior. Our ability to understand that people do the best they can at that moment. Trust is a concept that we put a lot of faith in, we do or do not trust others or ourselves. That idea, to trust or not trust, molds the way we move through the world.
For a very long time, I didn’t trust myself completely. Nobody would have fully seen or understood that, I didn’t. I do now. I see how by not trusting myself, I looked to please others. I trusted others opinions other than my own very often. I trusted that others knew better because look at me. I’ve been alone and not in a relationship more than I have been in one, I haven’t chosen those relationships very well. I have made rash decisions and took too long to make others. I was often on the verge of something big and would falter, because I did not trust that I was capable. I was often afraid!
Over time, I became exhausted asking other people’s opinions, wanted to please everyone else. I realized that the only person I needed to please was me. It was through my evolution of self-love that I began to understand my lack of trust in myself. One of the moments that shined through for me was with a person who I no longer have any contact with or relationship. I kept that relationship alive for longer than necessary because I didn’t trust that I could ever find another person who would make me feel so heard, seen and cared for. However, those feelings really didn’t last long, they were fleeting. Once effort was needed to keep the relationship alive, that person was no longer available. At first I took that so personally, thinking it was about me and that once again I wasn’t good enough. Through my evolution of self-love, where I now unapologetically get to be a version of me who stands up for herself, loves herself and doesn’t allow herself to be treated poorly, I see that this was about the other person. It is their inability to give any piece of their heart, their fear of someone being important to them and needing them, or more importantly, wanting them. It is about their inability to love themselves fully.
I now trust that I know what is best for me, and nobody else’s opinion matters. I now trust that I will allow only what is good for me. I use my boundaries and I use my voice.
The evolution of trust for me has been enlightening to say the least. I now see how I didn’t trust myself fully and always wanted to please others. Now the only person I aim to please is myself.
The evolution of trust is the basis of my ability to trustfall!