Am I Truly an Extrovert?

Most of my life, I have been gregarious, social, loud, and center of attention (often). Sometimes it has been great and sometimes I have wished I was different. As a master practitioner of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I was an extrovert. I needed people, places and things to give me my internal energy. I was often drained if I wasn’t going, wasn’t with others. In fact, when one of the many leadership teams I was on had a group session regarding our ‘types’, the two women I was closest to on the team and I were all at the far end of extroversion. The three of us were similar in some ways, especially our way of thinking, outside of ourselves very often out loud. Speaking to think is one big trait of extroversion that we all used.

It is still the trait I use today, probably the most. I speak to myself out loud often to work through things, or I write out what I am thinking to better understand a situation, a pattern of behavior, etc. What I see as different today, is how I get my energy and what drains my energy the most.

Again, as a practitioner, I also know that as we get older we trust our non-preferences more and therefore will practice the other types within Myers-Briggs. We may trust our intuition more instead of always needing hard data. We may begin to be more open to other ways of doing things, and new information that may change what we do or what we know is allowed in more. We may take people and their feelings more into account upfront instead of only focusing on solving a problem. All of those things come with some maturity and evolution and thus allow us to tap into our entirety of being and not only what is familiar to us.

I started noticing that I am more drained by larger groups of people, especially if I don’t know them. I started noticing that my energy was best when I was alone or with people I fully trusted and who inspired me. It is drained by negativity, and drained by crowds.

This could be due to my ability to trust myself and my non-preferences more. That may be true. Or could it be that my adaptive behavior for much of my life was extroversion? Ha! Interesting thought. We all create adaptive behaviors to keep us safe and help us feel worthy, validated, accepted, loved, etc. People-pleasing is an adaptive behavior. If you felt not heard or not important, not validated, you may use people-pleasing as the way to gain that validation. I certainly did. I was so afraid that people wouldn’t love me if I didn’t do what they wanted, that I built resentment up and sometimes acted out from there because I was scared of losing people.

The need to control situations and outcomes is an adaptive behavior. If you felt that things occurred to you that you had no control over, you try to control everything so it is predictable. The unpredictability of things created this need to control.

Could extroversion be one of my adaptive behavior to be seen, heard, and thus validated? I was out at a social gathering in my complex on Friday. I only knew a few of the people who were there and found the small talk grueling. I found that I had very little to say and didn’t really want to hear a lot. I found that I was staying close to the people I knew. I found that I was uncomfortable with the small talk and said a few things that as I think about them now, weren’t profound at all and seem silly. In trying not to judge myself and just be, I found that my energy was drained by being there and after about an hour I wanted to head home. There is a safety to being in my apartment that I love. There is a calmness and peace to being in my apartment that I love. And most of all, my energy was no longer being drained.

If extroversion was my adaptive behavior, and I am now allowing myself to truly be authentic, I guess I no longer need that loud gregarious personality. Perhaps I am not introvert per se, however I am not an “extreme extrovert” which is how I always described myself. Perhaps I was loud, and gregarious to be noticed and validated, and I don’t need that now. Or is it that I trust myself enough that I am less focused on being the center of attention and more focused on helping others feel safe and loved.

Whether it was an adaptive behavior or my true personality, I find now that I am different. I am drained by small talk and little conversations. I am excited by people who inspire me and love spending time in smaller groups today. I also know that I trust me more than I ever have. I don’t need others for validation, I only need me.

Am I truly an extrovert? I don’t know. I do know that I am happy, and love my time alone, or with small groups of people I love. I also know that I no longer search to be validated, accepted or loved. If you do, great. If you don’t, great. Because at the end of the day the only validation, acceptance or love I need is my own! Extrovert or Introvert, does’t matter!