The Ebb and Flow….

Sitting on the beach watching each wave come to the shoreline can be mesmerizing. The pace changes, the strength of the wave hitting the beach changes, the color of the water changes. Sounds of children giggling in the background, a seagull’s call whispering through the sky, the sound of the water crashing against the sand, all remind us that life is full of ebbs and flows. The giggle can turn into a cry with one strong wave. The seagull’s call can cut off or become more of a shrill if they spot food. The water can churn and create hazardous situations in seconds. Everything ebbs and flows.

Relationships ebb and flow. There are times when relationships get stronger, where people become more intertwined. There are times when relationships drift apart, one or both people making less of an effort, allowing time to tick away. Sometimes it is truly just life. We get caught up in what is happening in our life, and we aren’t able to really engage with others. We may be going through something that we aren’t prepared to talk about. We may need time to heal and grow and are better off without certain energy near us. We may be enthralled with a new relationship, friend or intimate partner, and spend less effort on the ones we already have. Everything ebbs and flows.

Noticing that and recognizing it may not mean “something is wrong,” just different or changing….at that moment. Often, when we a relationship ebbs and changes, we think something is wrong. We start to tell ourselves a story. “He must be angry with me.” or “She would rather be with others than me.” The stories we tell ourselves, which start from our own wounds/traumas/disappointments, create our environment. These stories, which very often are not truth, become the spiral that goes on in our mind. We begin to over think the issue. We begin to have emotions triggered around the story and the story will naturally validate whatever it is we are feeling about ourselves or the other person. These stories, which are the basis of our current reality, hold us back, limit us and create problems in relationships that may not be real.

How often do you find yourself saying something like, “I bet she is upset because I didn’t….”(fill in the blank!) We very often believe that something that we are feeling, someone else must be. We very often project our judgement of ourselves onto someone else. We very often create an entire story about something without having any real facts to back it up. We think facts are backing it up, but it really is just the story we have told ourselves being validated. These stories certainly can create the up and down of a relationship; the ebb and flow.

I want to challenge these stories. In talking to some of my friends, colleagues and clients, I am noticing that as soon as I challenge their story, the immediate reaction is almost always digging the heels in. The story is real, valid and absolute in their eyes. But it really is a story. Yes, you may know that person well, however none of us know what is really going on inside someone’s head. We really do not know what their personal traumas have been that have created the beliefs that create the stories. We aren’t in their head. So we rely on our experience of that person, which of course is skewed by our own stories about ourselves in relationship with others.

In order to really flow in the ebb and flow of life and not get bothered by the highs and lows of relationships, we must truly understand and question our stories. Are you really like that or are you comfortable in that reaction? Is this truth? Who are you when you believe the story? Who are you when you no longer believe the story?

Getting clear on your stories and what is really true allows you to begin to realize that the ebb and flow of relationships is just that. Ebb and Flow. It isn’t someone begin mad or upset, or someone no longer caring about that person. It is truly the natural ebb and flow of life. Once you get there, you reduce the stress you feel when things adjust. The more comfortable we can be in the ebb and flow of life, the less stress reaction we have. The less we are in fight/flight/freeze/fawn and the more we can see, feel and love.

Be in the ebb and flow of life, not afraid of it. Flow like water and allow yourself to adjust, learn, and grow.