That Old Self-Judgment….

Self-judgment, comes through at the oddest times. After all of the inner work, after all the personal development, we still have flashes of our past selves. We all are activated by different things that bring up conditioning of the past. The difference after you do the work, is you realize it quickly and go within to understand what still needs healing or reframing. Even those of us who help guide and coach others through their transformation are activated by situations. We also have to then go within and understand it better, figure out what needs to be healed or reframed and what needs to be let go or changed.

In working on me and changing my overall belief structure while I continually heal, grow and transform, I am activated by situations and digress. As I have shared, I moved to the beach in January, living in an apartment. This means my dog Charlie needs to be walked 4 to 5 times per day which we both love. The last walk of the day is usually around 9:30pm. In my old house, I would let him out in the backyard then and it didn’t matter how I looked or how I was dressed. Nobody would see me. Now that is changed. At 9:30pm, there may be people in a hallway, an elevator or others walking their dogs. As I went down the elevator Sunday evening at 9:30pm, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrored walls. “I look like a homeless person!” Was my first thought. Far from compassionate about me or others, and I kind of shocked myself by the comment. My judgment was strong. As the elevator door opened, a beautiful blonde woman who I don’t really know but see sometimes was standing there. I started to laugh as I got off the elevator and repeated my thought to her. “Sounds like that means you are comfortable,” was her remark.

I stopped in my tracks. She saw it completely differently than me, without any judgment. I realized at that moment, that my comment was my self-judgment because I didn’t want people to think poorly of me. I cared about people’s opinion of me! One of my beliefs that I have worked on and feel have incorporated well into my life is “I am my own approval.” Nobody else’s opinion of me matters or drives me. Others’ opinions of me bear no weight on what I think of me. And here I was, focused on worrying about someone’s opinion of me as I walked my dog.

As we walked in the moonlight, this was all swirling around my brain. The woman’s word of comfort kept coming up for me. I realized at the moment, that I am really comfortable in my own skin. I am really comfortable being me, with nice neat matching clothes on and make-up; and in mis-matched clothes, a big sweatshirt and no make-up. I am me, no matter what anyone else thinks. I spent so much of my life worrying about how I looked and whether other’s approved. When I worked in my former company’s Connecticut office, I would always think about what I wore the week before when I packed for my 3 days in Shelton, Connecticut and never pack the same things 2 weeks in a row. I would be constantly shopping (which was an addiction to fill the voids in my heart) and buying new clothes to wear. I had a great wardrobe, which was only because I worried about other people’s opinions.

By the time we got back from our walk, I was smiling as I realized that I other’s opinions do not define me. I don’t care what people think about my mis-matched clothing. I also spent some time reminding myself of leading with compassion, for myself and others. I didn’t like that my first thought was someone who is down on their luck and doesn’t have safety in their lives. I knew that lacked my normal empathy and compassion. I also realized that this belief that I am my own approval needs some care. Since this occurred, I have gone back to my basics of imprinting this belief into my heart. I have also focused on leading with love and compassion, versus limited thinking and judgment.

All judgment is self-judgment, it is a projection of something within you that may need some love and attention.

When that the old self-judgment sneaks up on you, don’t beat yourself up. Take a moment, see yourself through eyes of love and compassion and focus on what changes you want to make to no longer see yourself so harshly.