Trust Issues Meet Avoidance….

This time of year the Hallmark Channel plays all holiday romance movies. For a hopeless romantic, it is the best month on television. Every episode is similar…woman with big important big city job goes to small town for some random reason during the holidays and meets a man who helps her see that slowing down is beautiful and life in a small town is really lovely…and they fall in love.

Last nights movie was no different. One of the best scenes in the movie was while the woman and man were driving in a car to take care of a project they now had to work on together (another general premise for each movie) and they begin to explore why they are both single. This is while they are developing the friendship part of this quick romance! He talked about how his high school and college sweetheart turned wife hurt him so much he doesn’t trust anyone anymore and doesn’t let anyone in close. She then talked about how she remains busy with her job and doesn’t date, and introduces herself as avoidance.

These two things jumped out of the TV and right into my head! Trust issues meet avoidance. Yes, many a time, these two relationship suckers have entered my mind and heart. And often they are there together. The ability to let people in, get close enough to hurt you is so hard after you have been hurt. For some, the hurt could have happened as a child, and they haven’t really ever let someone fully into their heart. For others, being hurt and burned by friends as well as lovers can easily create walls around your heart made of very thick stone. People think they are in, however you tend to be much more surface with people than they realize. You spend so much time being curious about how they feel, what they need, you don’t allow much opportunity to get in real close to you. I am a master at this. People think they know me, many only know what I have let them know. There is a lot under the surface that I do not share, a lot of vulnerability I keep to myself and to those who I do trust, which is a very small circle.

Trust is earned and avoidance is the response when trust is broken. I avoid dating. I avoid certain conversations and potential conflicts. I don’t want to be hurt, I don’t want to lose a relationship so I avoid the difficult conversation. Sometimes that does leave me feeling as if I am not genuinely me. Then I rethink what I am avoiding, why I am avoiding and if there is a different way to think about it.

What I am learning about me with avoidance is it always is about loss. I am afraid that by confronting something I may lose. I may lose that relationship. If I don’t confront something, I may lose my own self-acceptance, my self-worth. I toggle back and forth in my decision and then may avoid the decision. Avoidance, for me, is not comfortable. I don’t like how it feels and I do try to find ways to deal with what I am avoiding. I write it out. I scream it out. Then I look at whatever it is from a place of love and compassion. What if I speak with this person from a place of love and compassion, can I get my point across? Can I accept that their reaction is theirs? Can I deal with whatever ramifications there are after the discussion? Can I accept that this may not change? Am I able to still love this person if I don’t confront how I feel?

Getting to this point on avoidance and trust issues means there is self-awareness. That awareness, that non-judgmental awareness, is the number one ingredient to heal so you no longer show up as “trust issues” or “avoidance.” Gaining that awareness means creating grace and space for yourself and losing your self-judgment.

I am at the point where I want to kick the trust issues and avoidance to the curb. I want to be more vulnerable. I want to let people in close. I know that is how I continue to grow and live authentically.

This is why trusting myself became the biggest focal point of 2023 and leaning into that trust in 2024 was how I grew this year!

Trust issues meet avoidance….what are you avoiding? Where is your trust level? Some food for thought on this new moon…an opportunity for you to plant the seeds of trust and vulnerability.