We all have wounds that could be healed. Many of us do not want to look at them, and minimize the impact they have made on us. Many of us disregard the idea of healing, there is no need, we are doing just fine. Very often the words, “this is the way I am,” or “been this way a long time, I’m not going to change,” are what is heard when someone broaches the subject of the inner work, the healing growth and expansion work that allows us to change. Many of us are satisfied with how we are, it got us this far, and satisfied with the life we lead. Many of us are not. Many of us feel the pull to seek out the next version of ourselves, to imagine an even better and bigger life and impact, to realize that we want more of ourselves, of our lives, of those around us. We are exhausted living the way we are, we genuinely aren’t as happy as we think we are or pretend to be. How many of us ask the question at some point, “is this all there is?”
When we embark on personal development and begin to see how our conditioning, our family situations, our friends, our society have created a version of ourselves, we get to examine it and see if that is who we still want to be. I was the hard driving, work hard/play hard mentality, with a sharp tongue and mind and was always giving. I was always trying to out effort everyone else and do for them. I tried to fix things that weren’t mine to fix, both at work and in my personal life. I had a tough exterior. I was always looking for validation and acceptance outside of myself, not loving me was real. I didn’t like me at all! I showed myself no grace, was a victim often or lashed out when under a stress response. I was in fight, flight, freeze or fawn more often than I even knew. I was definitely between fight and fawn all of the time. A true people pleaser who thought if I didn’t do for someone, they would no longer love me. I found that to be true on a few occasions which reinforced my people pleasing attitude.
As the healing continued, and I reached even deeper into myself to make changes that felt more aligned to who I wanted to become, I found that my little girl needed a lot of reparenting and love. Recently, I was with a group of highly conscious mind magicians, woman I love to be around because their energy is just uplifting. We sit in community together, without any judgment, and hold each other figuratively and literally at times. One person was describing what was coming up for her and her realization that her little girl was still holding on to some pain that needed to be integrated within this current version of her.
As I thought about that, I realized that my depths of pain were deeper than I ever realized. That things that I absorbed into my psyche and cells before I could speak, really impacted me. I needed to help that version of me become integrated with this current version, to let her know she is fully loved, fully supported and no longer needed to be separate from me.
I wrote a letter to this very young version of myself. A letter that allowed me to grieve that version, and let her know that nothing was her fault. The things said to her were not true, they were someone’s perception of life. The love in her heart is true. The giving nature is true. The giving so much that your cup is empty was the reaction we needed to change. No longer does she need to hide parts of herself, feel as if she doesn’t deserve to belong or deserve to be loved. She is as deserving as anyone. She is the part of me I was missing.
I cried through my writing. I cried as I read the letter. I sat with it and her for a long time. I continue to remind her how safe she is and how loved she is.
We all have little versions of ourselves that need healing. These versions are generally showing up when we are resistant to change. These versions hold the pieces of us that served us well at some point but don’t serve the version we are becoming. I do not want to hard charging, sharp tongued or giving until my cup is empty. Those aspects of me are from her, and it is time for them to go. I no longer need those defenses to protect me, I am no longer sitting in survival mode most of the day.
As you begin to really understand yourself, you see the moments in life that shaped you, they are also the moments that hurt the child version of us. Healing that version, integrating that version into you now will help you begin to realize your next best version of yourself.
It always takes a deeper healing to then really grow and expand!