A New Version…

Here I am, another version of myself. There are many iterations that have come before, many of them steeped in victimhood, fear, a need for validation and acceptance from others, a lack of trust in myself, people pleasing some and fiercely fighting others. Never sharing what I really felt or really wanted for fear people would leave me, no longer love me. I thought love was so fleeting, that even friends would walk away, and family, I thought most only loved me because I was their family or because of what I could do for them.

A few versions of me ago would have vacillated between anger and victimhood if someone disappointed me in some way; broke plans, never called, didn’t include me. I may have said something, I may not have, that would have depended on the safety of that friendship. I was in friendships that didn’t always feel safe, they were tenuous, similar to my marriages and at times in my family. It was always hard for me to fully express myself because I was much deeper and more emotional than most. I would be called crazy, a word that I despise now, for feeling so deeply for something. When I was backed in a corner (or thought I was), I would say things I would only regret, I wasn’t always kind. I felt unworthy, unloved and undeserving and would lash out. I cared too much about what others thought and didn’t really love me enough to realize that my care and my opinion was all that mattered.

The way prior versions of me talked to me were the way you would talk to your greatest enemies. I was so harsh and critical, not feeling worthy of anyone’s love, attention or care. I now look back at those versions with such love and compassion, knowing that those wounds are cared for, understood and healed. I fully understand now where those versions came from and how you can change and evolve to become the person you were meant to be, without all of that conditioning. I look at me today, this version, with the same love and compassion, knowing what she went through to get to here. I love this Suzy more than any other version to date.

What is so different? This Suzy doesn’t create issues. Things are as they are, not how I wanted them to be or the story I am creating. Rarely is my reaction between anger and victim. There still may be frustration and disappointment especially when I hear people rationalize things that don’t align with me or my values. I no longer take things so personally, realizing that people are responding from their own wounds. I no longer create big stories and fear the worst, something some of my friends do to prepare for the worst. I don’t anymore. I would rather prepare for the best and whatever comes out of it, I take it from there.

I now trust that whatever is happening or not happening is going to work to my highest good, whatever that may be. It may mean I don’t get what I thought I wanted, because there is a plan for something better, bigger or different that will add to my life. I now trust my intuition a lot more and don’t doubt it. I used to because the world wanted hard data and didn’t believe in an inner knowing. The inner knowing is real. The gut instinct is real. The premonitions are real. If a situations feels right, great. If a situation feels off, great. I trust and listen to my body.

I recently had a situation where a prior version of me would have been angry, frustrated, sad and would have thought it was about her; not being deserving, good enough, lovable. Instead, I look forward to wherever the universe is going to take me and this situation. It felt so good to see this growth. I share it here in celebration of the growth. We are so conditioned to not celebrate ourselves, we think we will be seen as conceded. No. Let’s share our successes! No longer do we need to remain humble when we do big things! It’s bullshit that women were taught not to share so we don’t hurt other women who may not have done what we have done. Men are not conditioned in that way. I don’t want us to become bragards and egomaniacs, I want us to celebrate ourselves the way we see fit, but celebrate just the same. Our celebration, our successes inspires others to move forward, to change, to challenge themselves and then to celebrate!

As we look back at 2024, notice your successes and celebrate them. Notice your surprises and be excited by them. Notices your losses and feel the emotion that goes with that. Notice your lessons and use them to jumpstart 2025. Allow yourself some time and space to really dream about who you want to be January 1, 2026! After next year, what does your new version look like? How has that version grown? Who are you now?

A new version is powerful, exciting and the transformation and evolution of your soul. I love this version of me and cannot wait to become my next new version….