Fear of failure has dictated much of my life. Even today, this idea is stuck in a far recess of my mind. “You cannot fail Suzy.” So to not fail, I don’t try things. To not fail, I make an excuse in my head before trying. To not fail, I don’t allow myself to be as vulnerable as I used to, not filling others in on all I am trying to do. They don’t need to know, if they know I will have to tell them when I fail. The failing could be in anything; trying to lose weight, finding a new house, go on a date, redoing furniture, etc.
Back in early 2010, I had ballooned in weight and told my then husband I wanted to start eating better and exercising more. Through what I thought was encouragement, he suggested we go to the track near our house and begin running. I was never a runner but wanted to do that as I never saw a really fat runner. He came with me. As I was getting out of the car I said,”I will run as far as I can, I don’t think I can do a mile and then I will walk.” He response has stayed with me forever, “You always rationalize why you won’t be able to do something before you even do it. Why bother?” and then he pushed me in front of him to run and he ultimately sat in the car smoking his cigarettes and waited for me. Those words stung as did his attitude. I did not realize at the time that he was already sleeping with someone else and planning on leaving me. Once I knew that, this made more sense. He was already sharing things about me that he no longer liked or that helped him justify his own behavior.
When I think back to that day though, I understand his comment more and more. I gave myself an excuse. Instead of trying as hard as I could to hit a mile, I already ensured that failing was an option I expected. By saying it, I kept myself from feeling the disappointment of the failure, I already knew I couldn’t do it. I had already failed.
Today, that fear comes out in a few ways. I continue to find certifications and things to make me better at what I do. I believe in them, however I wonder if I have that deep-seeded thought, “just one more and I can really make this business big and make the impact I am here to make.” It seems to almost stop me from making the impact I believe I can make. I also have found that I am far less vulnerable than I used to be. I don’t share as much about how I feel or what I think with anyone. I don’t talk to my friends about things that have upset me and I no longer divulge all that I feel with anyone in my family or friend circle. I keep everything high level and keep my insecurities and things that bother me to myself completely. It is like having an armor around my entire being, don’t let them in and you can’t get hurt. I can look back in my life and see where fear of failure kept me playing small. I didn’t go after roles and jobs that I wanted because of my fear that 1)I wasn’t good enough to get the job so I would be disappointed or 2) I wasn’t good enough to do the job well so once I got in it I would fail. Both kept me as a number 2 most of my career, never going for that top job. Always believing my own bullshit that I was great where I was. And of course there is great fear for me in relationships. If I don’t get into one I won’t get hurt. Two marriages that stung me like nothing I could ever explain. For a long time I spoke about them as “2 failed marriages.” I saw them as my failures. I saw relationships that didn’t work as my failures. I was so excited to go to Italy back in 2013 with a group of women because nobody knew me. I didn’t have to be the woman with 2 failed marriages and no prospects to date. I could just be me. I was so fearful of the judgment, I had already been judged by a few friends, family members and myself.
Some of the work I am doing now speaks to embracing fear. Not running from it, but understanding it. Realizing that it is generally your mind playing tricks on you. Your mind wants to keep you in the zone of familiarity; fear is a great way to do that. Don’t try something new, your mind says, you might die. Stay in the safety of what we already know.
If I were to embrace fear and no longer fear failure, what could happen? Would I try zip-lining and sky-diving? Would I venture out on a date without any attachment to the outcome? Would I travel to some places alone as I want to go and have nobody to go with me? What would I do if I embraced the fear? What does that even look or sound like?
Okay fear of failure, let me engage. I no longer am fearing failure because I cannot fail. I either do something or learn something. If I move to a growth mindset from a fixed one, everything is a learning experience giving me new information and new possibilities. It isn’t about “failure isn’t an option,” because that is what drove me to be a perfectionist and procrastinator. It is about failure being part of the learning process. It is about defining success differently and about flowing through life with a lot of possibilities. There is no hard and fast fail or succeed. It is about trying new things, checking out new opportunities and seeing how things feel. If I don’t like how it feels then adjust.
Embracing the fear and making it my friend is the work that has me very focused. I don’t want to play small anymore, I want to align with who I becoming; someone who sure of herself, and looks at life from a place of gratitude, compassion, love and joy.
Embrace the fear. Make it work for you not against you. As FDR once said, “There is nothing to fear except fear itself.”
Love!!!!