Emotionally Available?

Is anyone really comfortable being a 3^rd wheel (or 5^th or 7^th)? I have been in that position more than I have not it seems with 2 marriages ending and many of my friends coupled. I love my friends and I am blessed that I have some great friends who are there for me always. But I am sick of being the 3^rd wheel, so much so that I don’t really go out a lot anymore. It isn’t that people make me feel that way, I feel that way. It isn’t that I have friends that are overly affectionate with their significant other that makes me uncomfortable or anything like that. I am just sick of always being the plus 1. Reservations are for 3 or 5, never 4, and never ever 2 for me.

I have never been a big dater. As you know from reading this, there was a time when sex was my way of feeling loved, so I had my share of one night stands, or being the option. I don’t want that either. I don’t like the prospect of kissing a lot of frogs. I am someone who likes the prospect of a deep and meaningful relationship, one that challenges my brain and my emotions. I love the idea of someone who grows with me. I am someone who loves the idea of friendship first and see how that progresses, which is why dating sites have never appealed to me. Not to mention the stalker guy!

A few years ago I joined one of the dating sites that said it was mostly people over 50, and it was. A good looking, seemingly nice, intelligent, funny guy sent me a message. We emailed a bit and then talked on the phone. I remember driving over the George Washington Bridge on the phone with him laughing for what seemed like the entire drive. It was fun and we decided to meet that following Sunday evening for a drink. I was heading to my shore house on Friday with my friends and cousin. While we were at the shore house that weekend, I signed on to the site to show them his picture. I was excited for the date. We hadn’t met yet but I felt like there was some connection. When I awoke on Sunday morning, I had a text that said something to the effect of, ‘I am a one woman man, I don’t play around and date multiple women, I would expect the same. Maybe we should not meet.’ I was stunned. We hadn’t even met yet and he was giving me boundaries. I could only respond with “we haven’t even met yet. I don’t understand.” He proceeded to let me know that he saw that I was still on the site and that bothered him. I repeated with “We haven’t even met yet, and I was showing my friends your picture. But we haven’t even met yet.” That was really all I could think about. A few hours later he sent me another text and I let him know that I didn’t think this would work, and no we wouldn’t meet. He then called me and through the call made the statement, “I’m not a stalker.” All I could say back was, “You obviously have been called that if that is what you think and are saying, lose my number.” I haven’t been on a site since.

Over the last number of years I have built a friendship that was amazing with a man. It was deep, meaningful, fun, challenging and there was an attraction. We didn’t take it to another level but we began to talk about it going to another level. All of sudden, he was gone. We went from texting 5 to 7 days a week, to 1 or 2 times. We went from talking 5 to 7 days a week to at one point, 6 weeks without a conversation. He was always too busy for me, too emotionally drained by other things in his life for me. Most of all, he wasn’t there for me. I was broken after my mom died and he wasn’t the friend to me that I thought he would be or that he said he would be.

I have been trying to get closure on this relationship so that I can move forward emotionally and learn from it, what was the lesson that this relationship was put in my life for? He can’t seem to give me a conversation for closure at this time either, so I am trying to do that alone.

I decided that I was really sick of this being alone crap. I sit home night after night watching television with my dad or reading and am bored. I want some fun, I want someone who is interested in getting to know me, and someone I am interested in getting to know. I love my dad, but enough already!

So I took the plunge and signed up for 3 months for eharmony. I hated the idea, truly. But I have some friends who seem to be having fun on it and meeting some interesting quality people, so I thought, “what the hell, have a little fun this summer Suzy!”

I set up my profile as best as I could, put a picture on that I like and then waited to see who they thought was compatible to me. There were a few and one I thought was interesting. He sent a smile and I sent one back. Then he sent a message and in the message asked me, “when was your last boyfriend and are you emotionally available?” Huh? That seemed like a deep question from a guy who I now assumed was burnt by someone. I wanted to ask, are you emotionally available because I really haven’t found a man yet who actually is. There are plenty who think they are and they seem it until you are completely depleted and need them to give to you. Then they disappear. My husband Jon was that person. Acted like he had capacity and was there emotionally and then when I needed him he ran to another woman.

I wasn’t even sure how to answer and finally told him, I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t been in a relationship in a while, recently lost my mom and wanted to just see where things would go. I haven’t heard from him since. I realized at that moment, closure or not, I need to actually do a little more healing before I am fully available, emotionally. I will stay on eharmony, because who knows, maybe my soul mate is there feeling the way I do. Or maybe I will just find someone who will take their time to know me, be my friend and then who knows.

And maybe I will not meet anyone for a while and mend my broken spirit and heart. Whatever happens, I know it will be for my greatest good….but I hope it includes some fun, I am in need of that!

Time to get emotionally available…