I am Angry

Trying to find words this weekend to honor my dad and the over 100,000 people who have died in a 3 month time period due to this pandemic has been difficult. My mind wandered from talking directly about dad, to talking about the complete breakdown of the healthcare system that I dealt with for 7 1/2 weeks, to the healthcare disparities that we have seen in city and black and brown communities, to police brutality of black men to protesting and protestors to the white friends I have who can only focus on the looting and destruction that anger has caused and not on the cause. My mind has been everywhere because I am angry! I am pissed off!

I am angry that my father fell and broke his hip and went into a hospital that I will never set foot in again. I am angry that he died in hospice alone. I am angry that my family couldn’t see dad, just me. I am angry that the doctors and the administrators of JFK Hospital in Edison have zero empathy or compassion for anything except the business that is now medicine. I am angry that nobody thought to have a process to ensure family members knew when someone survived surgery. I am angry that nobody told us all the side effects of treatments that caused other health issues to become a bigger concern. I am angry that this virus is the impetus of my nieces and nephew to lose their last 2 grandparents in a 2 week period. I am angry that my one friend, thought she was a friend, who worked at that hospital did nothing to help us. I am angry that people think this virus is like the flu, it is not the flu dammit! I am angry that we had to bury him without the honors he deserved. I am angry.

I am angry that people care about their hair and their nails as people die. I am angry that people just want to bitch and complain that it isn’t living if I have to stay home all the time, when they have a fucking beautiful home to stay in and a pool and all the food they need. I am angry that their privilege is more important to them than the health and safety of society. I am angry that their greed is more important than our community.  I am angry.

I am angry that I have to keep hearing, “not all cops are bad.” Nobody fucking said they were all bad, but it sure seems like the system is created and trained to hurt black people a hell of a lot more than anyone else. And their bosses are no better, so no all cops aren’t created equally but there sure are a lot of bad bad apples out there. I am angry that people allowed a peaceful knee protest to become about something it isn’t and now you bitch that people are angry. Damn right they are angry, you didn’t listen when it was peaceful. You allowed the president to convince you it was an affront to the National Anthem and military when it was a peaceful and reverent way to make a point. I am so angry that people around me made this about the NFL and the military instead of what it was.

I am angry that my white friends do not see what is happening around them. I am damn angry that my black friends have to fear for the lives of their sons and husbands every fucking time they leave the house. Nobody should live that way anywhere, but certainly not in the country that was supposed to be equal for all. I am so angry that people don’t see anything wrong with being racist. I am so angry that these same white folks didn’t complain online about the white idiots showing up in full militia gear to tell a governor who is trying to keep all people safe to open the state and threaten her life. I am angry that my white friends thought that was okay or stayed silent on that. I am angry that I have friends that are racists.

I am angriest right now with God. God took my dad. God has changed the playing field for me and I am lost and rutterless. I am so angry that I had to bury a man who was not ready to go. I am angry at God.

I am angry.