I Just Want…

I just want somebody to love me for

the true asshole that I really am. ~ unknown

I read this quote and laughed. Then, I thought more about it. Is that a true statement? Perhaps. We all have parts of us that are ugly that could be considered “asshole-like!”  No matter how good we are I think we all have that capacity to be ugly or have cracks and flaws that we may see as parts of us that are unlovable.  That is what this sentence said to me. And I don’t think there is anything wrong to want someone to love all of that, even the ugly; the insecure. The cracks that have been filled in and healed; that make you different than you were but have shaped you into you.

I want someone who isn’t afraid to love the cracks that I own. To see them as what has made me who I am, the person they love. It is said that ancient Japanese culture embraced this idea. When a beloved piece of pottery broke or cracked they would fill it and mend it with gold, making the fixed piece more beautiful. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone see those cracks as what has made you more beautiful?

When I think of myself, I know I am generally a very good person and always have been. But we all have that part of us, or those moments that are just ugly. I have a few reactions, wiring that are asshole behavior. One is quick tempered. I have worked very hard to modulate that and really dial it down, but when I was younger I would get angry very quickly. I don’t mean when I was a child and throwing temper tantrums. No. I’m talking in my twenties and flying pretty quickly off the handle for anything that felt like a blame or accusation, even if it wasn’t.

This happened a lot during my first marriage. I wasn’t very equipped with holding back my anger. I watched my Mom who was often the one who yelled quickly. I wasn’t married to my dad, who let a lot roll off his back.  I worked on this as part of my healing after my divorce.  I tried not to get so angry, I wrote in my journal more. I found I was less reactive for me although probably still a little bit of handful!

A couple of years into my second marriage, I found that quick temper coming back. I would snap and blame someone instead of staying calm and understanding circumstances. I was quick to judge. I was very jealous. These are the ugly asshole behaviors that showed up during this marriage.

Now keep in mind, they had asshole behaviors too and I probably didn’t embrace their asshole self either. I tried to fix them. I thought they could be even better men, that I could help them reach their potential. Who was I to think I knew their potential or I could make them better? That is self-motivated and love shouldn’t be predicated on that.

We loved the good parts of each other but none of us loved the true asshole that lived in each one of us.

What I have realized is that this was all part of the lesson.  I’m not saying I don’t have asshole behaviors anymore, I’m quite sure I do. But I do know that I will not try to fix someone again. I will love their flaws, their cracks, their behaviors.  I have to decide what I can tolerate just like the person who is meant to love me will tolerate me.

I just want somebody to love me for the true asshole that I really am.