Have you ever felt invisible? Not seen? Ignored? As a woman in corporate, that definitely happened. I would make a statement, an observation, and nobody really responded. Then one of the men would say the same thing and everyone would jump on it as a great idea. You became numb to it after a while. It seems to happen more and more as we get older. At least my experience and that of some other women I have spoken with seems to suggest that being seen is becoming rare.
If I do not sit at a bar or counter and am seated alone at a table in a restaurant, it definitely takes longer to be served, if you are seen at all. I have walked out more than once because nobody even acknowledged me after 10 to 15 minutes. Just acknowledge me, that can’t happen if you aren’t seen. If you are invisible.
What makes us invisible? As a woman who is aging, I think some may question what we can contribute. I think very often, from a romantic standpoint, men are looking to enhance their virility, so an older woman isn’t going to do it, they tend to look younger. Men look right past me very often. There was a time, 20 years ago yes, that I could connect eyes across a room and that would be all that was needed to start a conversation. Today, I sometimes say something (albeit I think it may be witty, and it may not be), and I am completely ignored, as if I am not even there. A friend of mine, who is just shy of 70 and very attractive, has joined this trend of letting her hair naturally gray. She said she is now completely invisible to men.
And as I think about all of this, I wonder if older men feel this as well. I wonder if they also feel invisible; do they think women don’t see them. Is it ageism and sexism playing into this feeling or is it cultural? Is it that older people are seen as less than, and unattractive so they aren’t considered important any longer or is it that culturally we are about staying young looking. Using Botox, coloring hair, whatever trends there are to stay looking younger. If you look older, you are discarded. You become invisible.
The wisdom that fills an older woman should make her the most wanted human on the planet. We know what we want and will ask for it. We are wise, kind, compassionate and passionate. We want to impact the world and feel vibrant. We begin to care less and less about what is trendy and more about what we love. That energy feels so good, it feels magnetic. And yet, we have become invisible.
I wonder if part of that feeling of invisibility is our own doing. Is it our confidence that wanes because we don’t look or feel like we did 20 years ago. I remember listening to my mom not believe me when I told her she looked beautiful because she looked in the mirror and saw old. She didn’t see the beautiful younger version of herself and therefore lost some confidence. Is it that loss of confidence that plays into being invisible? Are we so stunned by our changes that we hide?
Being invisible does not allow us to live our life with impact, with love and with abandon. Let’s focus on who we are at this point of our lives and not what we look like any longer. I, for one, love this version of me. I have more of a sense of what is important, I honor my boundaries, say no when I want to without concern that people will no longer love me. I know what energy I will let into my life and what I will not, and I stick with it. I don’t let in half of what I used to let in. I make my decisions based on what I want in my life and not what others think I should do. In fact, the last decision I made that wasn’t aligned with me was done because a friend kept telling me it was a great decision. Once I thought about it, I knew it wasn’t aligned with me and I was doing it because they thought it was good. I changed that decision and made the pact with myself at that moment that will not happen again. I am my own approval. I will do what I want that is aligned with me and my big, beautiful vision of me and my life and other’s approval or opinion has no bearing.
Perhaps looking at it differently than invisibility is the way to go. Perhaps we are just too much for some people when we are our biggest unapologetic expression of ourselves. And that is on them not us. I know I will no longer make myself smaller to make others feel good about themselves. That was done all too often in corporate America as a woman. It was done in my marriages and in some of my friendships. Becoming a less than version of me so someone else feels better about them, no longer.
Perhaps it is invisible, perhaps it is not. Either way, go out there and be the biggest, most amazing expression of you!!