“What adaptive behavior did you create to protect you from that trauma, wound, unsafe feeling?” And the list below read: Control, Perfectionism, People Pleasing/Approval Seeking, Rule Follower, High Achiever, Comedian/Sarcastic, Hyper Independence.
Easily, I could put a check mark next to each adaptive behavior listed. Control? Heck yes, I have tried to control the shit out of my life, my ex-husband’s life, and at times my larger family. I have held on so tightly to the reins that I definitely have callouses on my hands and on my heart. Perfectionism? I used to say I am a perfectionist and that is why I always worked as hard as I did. Of course I have learned that there is no such thing as perfect and know it comes from a place of tremendous insecurity and fear.
People pleasing/approval seeking is a big one for me. I have always looked for validation of my worth from others. My mom was always pushing me to be better. If I came home with a B on something she focused on why I didn’t get an A. I wanted her approval always so I worked really hard to get it. I wanted everyone’s approval so I did things I didn’t want to do, went places I didn’t want to go to please those around me. I was always looking for approval elsewhere. At some point it becomes draining and that pent up resentment comes out in some way. For me it came out through a last straw that caused me to blow up. My temper is something that I have worked on to calm for most of my adult life. There are still a few triggers left that can bring it out, and I continue to work on where that comes from. I know it comes from these behaviors, whether it be feeling out of control or feeling as if I am not getting approval from someone but rather feeling as if I no longer matter. Sometimes feeling like a doormat can be a big trigger, that I have created by having a behavior that is always about pleasing others and not myself.
Rule Follower depends on the rule. I am also a rebel at times, which is also an adaptive behavior. It is one where to get the attention you go outside the lines. I am a rule follower on some things and not on others. That conundrum is what I used to think made me interesting, my ex called it the dichotomy of Suzy. I now see it as being unaligned and not being who I was meant to be doing what I was meant to do.
High Achiever is an interesting adaptive behavior. On the one hand it is the reason I was successful (using an archaic definition of success). I worked really long hours, traveled and commuted a lot and worked really hard. I always striving to be my best and would flagellate at the slightest inference that I didn’t do the best job possible. This mixed with perfectionism created someone who lived to work, instead of working in order to have a great life. I was concerned when I left my profession that I would have no identity. That was what I had in my life. My job. My career. And even now, some of my friends think I am a high achiever as I continue on a path of learning and gathering some different certifications. The biggest difference I see is that what I do today is more about impact than it is about financial success. More about service than it is about myself, however through everything I do I learn. I learn about me, I change, I create a better version of myself. That is not what it used to be about. It used to be about approval.
The comedian/sarcastic behavior hits hard. On the one hand, I know I can be funny and spent a lot of my life being self-deprecating. My self-deprecation came from one place, I would rather me say it before other’s thought it. My judgements of me were so harsh; my weight, my looks, my inability to find the soul mate, the two divorces, the no children. All the things that I could judge myself on, I would make fun of so nobody else needed to. It was a defense mechanism. I see now how destructive this type of comedy can be. It is hurtful toward yourself and others. I remember one time with my ex-husband and sons, I tried to be funny about something that was riddled with sarcasm. My ex-husband blew up at me at the dinner table. My sarcasm about him, in front of his sons, was more than he could handle. And more than he should have had to handle. It made him feel small with his sons and I didn’t realize that when I said it, however I do now. I realize it made it seem that they too could make fun of him, which was hurtful. That sarcasm runs deep in my family, all adaptive behaviors that others will need to figure out if they ever want to. I see it from my perspective and work hard now to not be self-deprecating and less sarcastic. Being funny at anyone’s expense is not really being funny. It feels like a response that is steeped in judgement, someplace I work to stay clear of daily.
Last but never least for me, hyper independence. I can do anything. I don’t need help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t ask for favors. I don’t ever put others out if I can help myself. This is a deep seeded belief that I have to do it all and I have to do it all myself. I don’t need anyone. If I need someone then I am likely to get hurt. If I can’t do something I am showing weakness. The day we made the decision to take my brother off life support and donate his organs, my mom looked at me through her tears and anguish and said, “you are my strongest child, you need to get this family through this.” And those were my marching orders. I tried to do everything I could to help people get through the worst tragedy to hit my family. I spent a lot of time with my parents; with my sister-in-law and nieces; setting up trusts; sending out thank you’s; handling my brother’s benefits; doing doing doing. At no time did I allow myself to grieve. At no time did I allow myself the time to even process. I tried to please everyone and be the strong one. I didn’t need anyone to help me, just let me do.
I am still hyper independent although I have gotten better at asking for help. The breaking of my wrist did that a few years ago. I had no choice but to ask for help. I needed jars opened, food purchased, gifts wrapped. I could not do it all myself. I am learning that in my business as well. I need help to brainstorm, I need help in thinking through programs, etc. I don’t try to do it all myself, although this is still a behavior I need to better understand.
When you choose to live more in a world filled with joy, happiness, gratitude and love you remove many of the reasons for these behaviors. When you live more from a place of service and being and less from a place of doing, these behaviors no longer serve. When you finally start to see the difference between living in a world of hustle, reactionary, attachment and judgment versus a deeper knowing and trust, non-judgment, levity and fun and no longer attached to an outcome, you see the ease by which you would like to live. You see your connection to all and everything without an unhealthy attachment that creates grasping.
You then can let go of these toxic behaviors and become your next level of yourself. And finally recognize that true happiness comes from within and not from validation of others. Not from the next shiny ball you are going after. Seeing your wounds for what they were and healing them is some of the most powerful work I have done over the years. Being able to then see these behaviors as a trauma response and allowing myself to change them has been liberating.
Let go of the adaptive behaviors that no longer serve and see just how freeing it is!