The silence of the morning was broken by the little patter of feet and the chatter of very young children. They came bounding into the restaurant full of energy and ready to have some breakfast. Running in behind the little 3 year old and 2 year old was there mom, trying to keep them from bothering other customers while she checked the menu. As one child headed for the doorway, here came grandma, arms wide open and ready to help. The four of them sat at a table with the 3year old little girl very active and the 2 year old little boy just smiling away, it was his birthday and he seemed to know he was the prince for the day.
We briefly chatted and I admired the patience the mom showed as she adeptly took silverware away from the children as she smiled at me. As I went about my english breakfast of salmon, eggs, and cappuccino, I started to hear the grandmother speak to the little girl a bit differently than the little boy. The boy was congratulated when he tried to say something, yelled for what he wanted or spoke while others spoke. When the little girl reached for something she wanted, or squealed with excitement to say something or get some attention, the grandmother stated, “oh no, be a good girl.”
I sat there and realized that she was being taught that to be a good girl meant to be quiet. I sat there realizing that she was already being taught that she should not ask for what she wants or needs. I realized that we start at very young ages teach girls and boys very different lessons about using their voice, and what it means to be accepted, or good.
Society has norms for people, and the girls norm is to not ask for you need or want, to take care of others, to be quiet equals begin good. You know, girls are to be seen not heard. Boys are taught to try everything and even just the trying is celebrated. They are also taught, make a stink and we will take care of you, do not worry. Go ahead and raise your voice and we will submit. Go ahead and do what you need to do to get what you want or need.
This scene really made me think about how we raise girls and boys differently. My brothers weren’t taught how to write checks or balance a checkbook, I was. At 10 years old my mom bought a checkbook at her friend’s stationary store in order to teach me. She wanted to be sure that 1) I was independent, “do not need anyone, Suzy” and 2) as the woman, I would need to be able to do this so no man could take advantage of me not knowing how. She was always thinking about making me independent. My brothers were not.
Based on these norms, we have an entire generation of girls who may be afraid to use their voice. Who look outside of themselves for validation of their worth, Who learn at a young age that the expectations for them are different than the expectations of the boys. Who find that their needs aren’t met because they don’t know how to ask.
And I was someone who also learned that to get what I wanted I needed to use my masculine energy far more than my feminine. I needed to take control, be decisive, be a giver not a receiver. I didn’t understand that in order to be super creative and connected to my intuition, I needed ease, I needed to flow, I needed to surrender and I needed to feel my emotions. I needed to get out of my logical, strong, protective shell and be more tender.
Somehow, we have created a society where being sensitive, tender, and nurturing is seen as weakness instead of strength. It is seen as passive instead of receptive.
As we continue to grow and learn, heal and expand, these norms are some of the ones we need to break. Little girls do not need to be quiet, they need to ask for what they want and get it. They need to know that their voice is as important as the boys. They need to know that in their natural feminine energy, they are whole.
Quiet does not equal good.