Thank you Aruba

The week should have been joyful, totally in the moment kind of time.  The week should have been fun and completely relaxing. The week should have been celebratory.  There were moments like all of this, and then there were moments of sadness, anger, a roller coaster of emotions.  My heart, so very shattered, having trouble putting the hurt aside. It weighed heavily on me the entire time. I found I needed much more time alone than I normally do. I found that I could snap pretty quickly if I didn’t try to control the urge; and sometimes I couldn’t control the urge and lashed out. I found a general weight bearing down on my shoulders, I couldn’t just be joyful and grateful. I felt anxious and at times wondering all of the “why me’s” I could wonder.

My friends couldn’t have been more kind, giving me space, not pushing me but gently nudging me.  Getting me to laugh many times, when I know I could have cried just as easily. The tears are always on the edge. These are the times you see who really cares about you in life, those who are there for you at your ugliest, and don’t hold it against you. The friends who understand who you really are and give you space and love during the times you aren’t that person. I have been blessed with some amazing friends like this, love me through this, making time for me. I have friends who check in with me continually, I have friends who help me out.  I have friends who are praying for me and who I can count on.

And then there are those who tell you how much you mean to them but they aren’t there for you. You learn who they are through any crisis you go through. I lost friends through my first divorce. The people who somehow said they were my friends only to stop including me and only including my ex. You realize through those situations that they aren’t the people you can count on. I took that so personally then that I became angry and bitter. I’m trying not to do that this time, as I find out that people who I thought I would be able to count on for life, are too busy for me.  I know that sounds selfish. And perhaps it is. But I lost a parent, made a life changing decision about  my career and life and am more fragile than I have ever been. I am actually trying to allow myself to feel the pain of my losses so I can heal that much more quickly. I know I hang on to pain too long.

With all the friends who are there with me, and the family who I couldn’t move forward without, I am so sad because of what I see I lose. I lose someone who I thought was always going to be in my corner. I lose someone who distance will make a difference now. I lose someone who no longer sees me weekly or even daily. I know that we each have our own journey and not everyone will be in your story the entire time, but there are some that I really thought would but see through these last few weeks that may not be the case.

But not the three who were with me this week. These three are a part of my circle. A few others added would complete the circle. Those who have stood by me through all  I endure, loving me when I’m a bitch; loving me enough to forgive my bitch. What these three and those few others do is hold the space for me. They know that I need to lash out, I need to be alone, I need to cry, I need to laugh and they allow me all of it. That is what a true friendship is and does. My friends allow me to grieve, they allow me to wallow, but for only so long. They will snap me out of it at times and remind me that there is still a life to live.

Losing my mom has rocked my world in a way I never thought imaginable. As the strong one of my family, the person who tries to keep everything together, I keep that to myself. My dad worries about my brother and I don’t want him to worry about me. I am so very blessed to have the friends around me who take care of me.

This trip and week allowed me one thing more than anything else and that was to get out of my environment and chill a bit. And I did. I needed that as I go into the next few months and wind down nearly 21 years at my company. This week allowed me to wallow a bit, much needed wallowing. We all should wallow in our own self- pity and loneliness for a brief time, it reminds you that that isn’t a place to stay. There is truth to “put on your big girl panties and get moving” sentiment. It is time to do a bit less wallowing and a bit more love and kindness to myself and others.

The week gave me that, wallow enough to push myself forward.  Thank you Aruba.