The Cycle Breaks….

Recently, I was blessed to see a wonderful show on Broadway, A Beautiful Noise. This is Neil Diamond’s story told by his older self to his therapist through his music. It was happy, sad, poignant, relevant, profound and deeply personal for me. More than I ever realized from his music. More than I ever realized, period.

I found myself crying, a soft ever-present tear gently streaming down my cheeks, throughout much of the play. I found myself listening to his music with a new ear. I found myself recognizing me in some of what he shared, and found much of what I now bring to the world being touched on throughout this tribute. I saw myself taking on the sadness of my mom in how Neil took on the worry of being safe (and just worrying about what was next around the corner) from his Jewish immigrant parents who fled Europe. I saw myself in how he pretended to be happy to ensure those around him were happy. I saw myself in fear of stepping out of his comfort zone and what that actually did to change him and his life. I saw myself in his need to be productive, on the road, always busy so those “clouds” don’t come back.

Each of these moments allowed me to reflect a bit more on healing, growth and transformation, the journey of our lives if we allow it.

Most people don’t think about generational trauma, that how someone protected themselves and the conditioning they had can be passed down to the next generation. We all have generational wounds and ideas that perhaps no longer serve us. I was raised where you didn’t take time off if you were sick. My mom would have us go to school as long as our fever was under 100degrees. She saw her parents, who were business owners during the depression work that way. The three of us became the same way, going to work when we were sick. Certainly not contagious sick, although I am sure we did that from time to time. We didn’t listen to our bodies, we weren’t taught to do that. In fact, what body? We were disassociated from it, at least I was. We worked no matter what. That wound, my mom and dad had, was from parents who fled Europe with the clothes on their back and they wanted to make a good life in a new country. They felt they had to work that way so they wouldn’t be sent back to Poland or Italy. We didn’t have that worry, yet we had that mindset.

We are taught and conditioned on how to think about everything around us. Our belief structure that drives our thoughts is created while we are forming, in utero and beyond. My mom had bouts of depression throughout her life. It was never talked about or labeled. Nobody called it that until I started talking about my depression. My mom would listen to me and tell me she has felt the same way. I knew that already. Once I began to fully understand me, I saw my mom in me. When I began to write this blog I brought her the first two to read. She finished them, looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me, “I could have written these.” I understood. She could have. We had the same feelings and thoughts about a lot of the same things. My mom never thought she was smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough or good enough. I felt everyone of those throughout my lifetime. The way she spoke to herself was so limiting and sad, and I would say the same things about me!

She didn’t mean to pass any of this down, this is what happens. We have to break the generational cycles of self-loathing, poor self-esteem, and the bigger issues, such as abuse. MY ability to heal my wounds and traumas, and my ability to then grow and transform into someone who leads from love and not fear, breaks that cycle. And I heal me. I heal mom. I heal ancestors and those still to come.

As Neil Diamond realized that he was healing, he was lighter, and I could imagine the next conversation with his wife would be different. The next conversation with his kids would be different. And the cycle breaks a bit more.