The Wonder of the Woods

The sound of the snow crunching under the snowshoes broke the silence of the day. The paw-prints on the snowmobile trail, a reminder we are invading others’ space, this is not our home, it is theirs. The feeling of the cool air on exposed skin as the under layers continue to keep everything else warm. The little bit of sweat that may be forming as the body heats up. The errant call of a bird breaks into your thoughts as you travel around the 40 acres of forest. The giggles and the conversation each time you stop to rest and take in the beauty that surrounds you.

40 acres, snowshoes and lifelong friends; a beautiful reminder of what life is truly about. It is not about appointments and meetings. It isn’t about complaining and anger. It isn’t about all the things that you think need to be done. It is about love and friendship. It is about being present and creating space for others to be present. It is about being one with nature and not fighting nature. It is about being not doing. It is about listening and caring, learning and curiosity, laughing and knowing that those around you have your back. It is about living now, not worrying about the future or rehashing the past.

As the snowshoe glides on the icy patches and does its job of allowing you to walk where there are no human tracks yet, the mind may wander. It wanders to the wonder of this snow-globe we are inside; watching the snow fall gracefully on the land. It wanders to the wonder of the other tracks in the snow and what may be watching us move along the trail. It wanders to sounds around you and voices of the woods. It wanders to the strength of your legs as you trudge through the snow. It wanders to your youth, when you ran through snow like this with just your boots on, knowing you wouldn’t get hurt if you fell, knowing you were strong and malleable; knowing you were just getting started.

After some time in the snow, the fear that I would fall and hurt myself began to wane. The young athletic girl I once was started to emerge. I could feel her and her tenacity. I could feel the passion in her as she would attempt skiing at 13 years of age, without knowing anyone who skied and who liked it immediately. The feeling of the breeze in your hair as you shoosh down the mountain is forever engrained in my memory. That girl and the girl who skied from then until she was 36 years old, was never fearless, but she was strong and always knew what she was capable of. She wasn’t filled with fear and doubt. Trepidation was not part of her personality at that point. That came as she aged. Trepidation became a way of being, too afraid to do some things, always worried what others would think. Always focused on success measured by the job that became the identity that became more than it ever wanted to be. Trepidation to be seen as who I am and not who I portrayed myself to be. Trepidation to love and be loved even when I didn’t love me. Seeing me as lifeless and filled with fear was the person I never wanted to be. Nobody saw that person fully, but I saw her, I knew she was there.

As this girl shooshed along completely enveloped in the surroundings, she realized that the scared girl filled with doubt and self-loathing no longer existed. There was a realization that this moment was what truly living was about. Being present; being outdoors in nature and being with people you love, including yourself, is truly living. Allowing love to be the north star of your life, focusing on what and who is loved by you, allows you to expand yourself. You expand how you love and who you love; including yourself. Self love is the love that fuels all other love. You cannot love others without loving yourself. The girl of my youth lost that somewhere along the way and forgot to love herself. Without that self-love she didn’t know who she really was and couldn’t show others the depth of her love the way she wanted to, by being so present with them. She was always looking for ways to show she loved, and to do things to be loved; never thought she was worthy of just being loved for who she was. Two husbands let her know she was right, she wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love unless she did for them.

Being in this wilderness with friends who are family and are in your corner all of the time, allows a lot to melt away. All of those doubts about who you are, what you dream about, what it is in your vision for this next part of life, they drop away. Those doubts that you can be loved without seeking to do something for someone; without seeking validation that you are worthy drop away.

The wonder of the woods. Where you finally see who you are today, and you love you!