When Life Flashes Before You….

Driving has always been an outlet for me. It was a way to be independent, and for me a way to release emotion. I could drive anywhere, blast music and cry, laugh, scream, and talk my way through whatever was on my heart. My best reflections came while behind the wheel of my car as I talked to myself and coached myself. When I retired from Corporate America, one of the first things I did was drive to Florida by myself. My dad was so worried, and kept asking me to fly down. I couldn’t. It wasn’t about going to Florida and hanging out there, it isn’t even a state I really like. It was more about driving. Being on the road, snacks at my side, radio blaring and me just riding down a highway. It was about the journey.

Driving has always been about the journey for me. Not about the car, or where I’m going as much as the journey itself. I love not using GPS and trying to find my way. I am a map person, give me a map of the area and I get to see the big picture. That is what I love, I am not the detailed person, I am the big picture person. Driving has always done that for me. It gives me perspective and allows me to see it all.

Last week, I was in an accident that was scarier than anything I have ever experienced. A small, low to the ground BMW with a license plate cover on it and driven by a young man, tried, at a high speed, to sneak between me and another car and it couldn’t fit. The BMW hit the truck next to me and then me. I bounced off of the car to the other side of me and did a complete 360 degree donut in the middle of the Garden State Parkway at about 70MPH. Somehow, miraculously, no other car hit me although I saw all the oncoming traffic heading toward me. I also, somehow, miraculously, remembered my dad’s training and did not hit my brake, and let the car spin.

When I finally came to a stop on the side of the road and jumped out of the car, I was visibly shaking. I could feel every fiber of my being electrified. In that second as I spun in front of traffic I had 5 cognizant thoughts.

Thought 1 – I’m going to die! This is the moment that I thought “this is it, please make it painless”. I know in my mind’s eye I could see me as a little girl and saw my mom and dad. I wouldn’t say I saw my life, however I knew in that second my life could end.

Thought 2 – I will not die this way! And that is when I actually reminded myself that I wouldn’t step on the brake and held the steering wheel as if it was going to fly off. I know in my mind’s eye, this is when I saw the traffic looking like it was slowed down and I realized I might get out of this unscathed.

Thought 3 – This has to be what Dorothy felt like spinning in the house in the Wizard of Oz. It felt disorienting and yet controlled. I didn’t see anyone fly by on a bicycle or broom though!

Thought 4 – That was the worst amusement ride I have ever been on! Typical of my mind, trying to make it funny, make it lighter than it was. I knew at that point I would live.

Thought 5 – Thank you Daddy for teaching me how to be a defensive driver and how to deal with a spin. Of course, his concern was ice and not some kid driving crazy on the Parkway. It certainly was drummed into my head though.

Although those were my cognizant thoughts, I know there were others. My brain was in survival mode and certainly not allowing me to reach certain pockets. There was a second where I thought about regrets. It wasn’t a full thought, and to me it was the moment of reflection that people say their life flashes in front of them. For me it wasn’t a play by play of every thing that ever happened, it was the couple of regrets that I have. The person I never was truly honest with about my feelings. The friend that I had a falling out with who I miss. The family that has changed so much it doesn’t look like the one I knew and my part in that. The regrets can pile on really fast.

Those regrets are points in my life where choices were made and today those choices would be different. You do the best you can with what you know until you know more, then you do better. I would do different and better today.

The accident allowed me such reflection on the things I have regretted. Actions I have taken and now would do different. Things that were said that today would be different. Things I didn’t do or didn’t say that now I would.

The accident has allowed me to see what flashed in front of me and now I can choose different. I will not let things go unsaid. I will not let things fester. I will not say things if they will hurt. I am realizing more and more how we must live for today, in the present moment and focus on what brings us joy.

When life flashes in front of you, you get to choose how you want to be going forward. You get to choose what you life feels like, what brings you joy and come from a place of love.