Ah, the end of another year. At this point, I have now written this blog for 7 years. I have shared my deep, dark secrets and my journey of acknowledgement, growth and enlightenment. I have shared my soul and have given a glimpse into the messiness of healing. I have shared my year end process for many years now, my reflection on the year that is closing and the creation of my intentions for the coming year. I am reminded each year by the progress, the growth and what is to come.
What were some of my greatest moments of 2021? My 60th birthday tops that list. From the get togethers’ with different groups of friends or family to my trips to Aruba and to Nashville, my 60th birthday was epic. After having a 50th that was awful, this decade opened with the bang that I believe it deserves! One of the greatest surprises and lessons of the year for me was that I am not alone in this world. There are groups of people who truly love me and create moments for us to be together. As I have shared before, not having my nuclear family anymore sometimes feels alone, and reminds me that when it all comes down to it, I have no family of mine. However, I have a lot of people who love me around me. That feeling was not only a surprise for me this year but certainly aided in my large lesson; I’m not alone, I have a lot of love in my life.
I developed closer relationships with some people whose energy I want to be around more. I have removed some from my life whose energy is draining and who cause me to question myself too much. I spent a lot of 2021 healing things on a bigger scale, and now let the walls crack; let the light in and embrace me fully.
My biggest failure of 2021? No dates. Not a one. Nobody even remotely interesting or interested. Nothing. Didn’t meet anyone that I wanted to get to know better and nobody was interested in me. I cannot even remember what it feels like to be kissed as if you are important, held as if you never want to be let go or loved as if you matter. I have no idea if that is even possible any more. I sit back and I think about the energy I might give off about dating. Do I even trust someone to love me? Not at all. I have figured something out though. It was once said to me as my life was crumbling around me that “I must be hard to live with.” And although I was very hurt by those words, I never really sat with them. This year I did. I started wondering if I was too difficult, too opinionated, too something. I realized though that I’m not. I may be difficult, I may be strong, I may be opinionated; that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there for me. It does mean, however, I attract very weak men who want the strong woman until they are with them and realize that they can’t handle the strong woman. They want someone that they feel stronger than, they want someone who needs them so they can be the hero. I don’t need that , I want someone who is my equal. Who pushes me as much as I push them to be a better version of themselves. My 2 ex-husbands and the most recent person I thought I loved, have one thing in common. They are all weak men. They don’t have backbones, they don’t have the ability to have a conversation that leads to breakthroughs; they don’t have the ability to learn, grow, become a better version of themselves. They live in fear of that, each for their own reasons. One wouldn’t show weakness if his life depended on it, yet is a weak man and father who has let his kids grow up without him and blames others. One is exactly the same guy he was 30 years ago, there is no growth. One has a fear of commitment that runs so deep, he cannot even commit to a friendship. He is so wrapped up in his own head, he doesn’t know how to communicate with someone else from his heart. I also had to deal with my own fears that I don’t deserve that most impactful love. That feeling of not deserving that impactful love led me to realize that my reasons for not attracting what I want is because my desire and my belief that I deserve them were not aligned. I had to get to the place where I loved ME fully and unconditionally, cracks, flaws and all!
So the failure also allowed me to better understand me and what I desire in the world. Every failure in my life also propelled me to learn from it, and I have made great strides in why things didn’t work. I realized I needed to love me and embrace me completely. I needed to align my belief system with my desires so that I can attract all that I want in this world. Whether it be the love I am looking for or the home I want, my beliefs needed to be aligned with my desires and they weren’t. I didn’t think I could afford some of the homes or questioned things about the home. I didn’t think I deserved the love that I want as well, I was still focused on my flaws and that idea that I am difficult.
As we move into 2022, I have a belief system that is much more aligned with who I am becoming and much less about what I lack. My focus for this coming year is continuing to become that better version of me, and bring much more play and joy into my life and others’ lives. Becoming unapologetically me, and playing out loud!