Nobody, NOBODY, makes us feel any which way. People’s actions may hurt us, their words may hurt us, if we let them. The other person doesn’t “make us feel” anything. Their actions will absolutely activate feelings in us, it is up to us to decide how we then respond to that, and what we do with that feeling. Really.
Our feelings about situations are automatic. They happen based on our past programming. We don’t even realize we can choose to feel something different. More importantly, we don’t realize that we can choose how we react from that feeling. We need to feel whatever it is that comes up, it is what we do with that feeling that we can choose. Can it drive us to behave a certain way, perhaps a programmed way that we think is just the way we are. For much of my adult life, I took criticism very personally and believed people would no longer love me if I did something that didn’t meet their expectations. I was always looking for validation and approval. If I didn’t get it, there was something wrong with me. If I did something that someone else was upset about, or wasn’t “right”, I took it in as an indictment of me and my character. I took it so personally that it stuck with me for days. I would rehash and rehash situations over and over again in my head and beat myself up about it constantly. I was never good enough in these situations, it was me, never the other person in my view. I allowed the feelings of inadequacy and not-enoughness drive my behavior and reaction.
My healing and transformation journey has taught me that we can choose our response. We do not need to be on auto-pilot always reacting the same way we did before. When we spend time understanding why we feel a certain way in certain situations and realize that we can feel differently, we begin to understand our patterns so we can change them. We begin to see how things in our childhood created beliefs that drive our behavior.
Recently, during a conversation with someone close to me, the comment made after I admitted that I now understood something they had shared was eye-opening to me. Their comment to me was, “don’t you feel silly?” I reacted with “no, I don’t.” Again, the individual looked at me and asked, “you don’t feel silly? I would.” And I reiterated, “no, that may be how you would feel. I am grateful that I now see it.” The other person seemed truly astounded that how the situation would have made them feel isn’t how I felt. I said,” I choose not to see it negatively, I see it as a positive for me. I learned, and grew.” I also understood that how I felt was something I could change once I realized how I felt, and then respond differently. Very often, the feelings and the reaction were due to old programming, or from creating meaning when there wasn’t any meaning. Creating a story or narrative that wasn’t truth, although parts can be true to me.
This idea of choosing how we respond and not being on auto-pilot is not new, nor is it easy. We have been highly conditioned that we need to work for people’s love and approval, and joining in their feeling or agreeing to keep the peace is a way to do that. Joining in the commiserating is another, so our response sometimes is to feel the way people think we will and the way they do so we can connect with the. That becomes, very often, our auto-pilot response. When we get out of auto-pilot and realize that every situations allows us to be aware, be present and make a choice to respond the way we want to now, not driven by past behavior, there is an amazing feeling of freedom. I don’t want to feel silly about learning, I want to feel proud of myself for being open-minded. I don’t want to take things personally and beat myself up, I want to understand if there is something I can do differently and learn from the situation. I don’t want to feel as if I am wrong and have feelings of guilt because I disappointed someone or didn’t meet their expectations of me. I want to be accepted and loved for who I am, what I do, how I help, how I connect, not about someone else’s expectations of me. I am not responsible for other’s peoples expectations, reactions or emotions. I am only responsible for my own.
The biggest choice we have is how we want to feel and how we want to respond. Yes there are times when we feel disempowering emotions and we dwell in them. We need to feel those. We need to feel angry, sad, frustrated, guilty, the spectrum of emotions is huge and we feel them all. Once we acknowledge those low-vibration emotions, get them out. Write it out, which clarifies thinking. Tap it out, which moves the energy. Get outside in nature and let it naturally raise your energetic vibration. Scream it out, throw punches to a pillow, take a medicine ball and throw it against the ground…do what you need to get the emotions out. Once out, you can get clarity. Once out, you can respond in a way that speaks to who you are, and what you want in your life.
It is a choice. We don’t have to be on auto-pilot. We don’t have to be the way we have always been. Growth and transformation are important if you want the life you dream of having. Happiness is a choice. Love is a choice. Gratitude is a choice.
Choose how you want to feel, allow yourself to move through the emotions and respond in a way that is true to the version of you that you love!