An Untitled Mess…

I apologize upfront, I usually do not skip a week or write so late. I found that I was not inspired and I didn’t know why. I have realized after a few days that I had too many things going on in my head for me to inspired to write something meaningful. I was happy after a beautiful wedding and thought that I would write about them, but something held me back. I realized that it isn’t their story I want to write about but more about love, infatuation, etc. Yet every time I sat down to write, I was blocked. In fact I could only write the following two paragraphs over the weekend and then was stopped. Through deep contemplation and as well as meditation and journaling, I found that the void in me is what is holding me back. The wedding was lovely and at no time do my friends ever make me feel different, or separate because I am alone. However, I do. I am beginning to feel as if this void is stifling me. I thought I had the partnership that I describe below, I thought my very best friend was going to be my partner for life. But he ran scared, or something, and I pushed too hard. Now we are friendly, we talk, we laugh, but we aren’t where I had hoped we would be and I don’t see it in our future. I now understand that my lack of inspiration was because I saw this beautiful friendship blossom into a great love at the wedding and all it really did was drive a knife through my heart. It reminded me of how alone I am. As I was starting to realize this, I lost power at my home. For 12 hours I was powerless, no light, no heat. I sat by the fireplace, and realized how romantic and beautiful it could have been shared with another person. Instead I was sharing it with my cat and dog. Too many things haunted me this weekend to write. Too many feelings ran through me. So I sit here today, and I know I need to once again give up my control, release what I feel and let it all just be. And that is all I can give to you this week. I have nothing left.

They became friends though her brother when they were 5 years old. They remained friends forever. They became best friends over their lifetime. They had different loves in their lives however they always had each other as best friends.  At some point in this friendship, he realized that his love for her was beyond a friendship and wanted to share more with her. Thirty years after their friendship began, they were married, as best friends and lovers. This was never infatuation, this has always been love. They know each other’s flaws and work through them or around them. They support each other through the trials and tribulations of life. They are each other’s biggest cheerleader and supporter. They allow each other to be individuals, having their own friends and interests. This has been a beautiful story to watch.

As I reflected on their story, I started to really think about infatuation versus love and friendship versus partnership. My life’s experiences have allowed me to both experience some of it and watch it in others. Both my brother’s were friends first with their respective wives. That friendship forms a basis of a relationship that they always can come back to when love wanes. That friendship, ability to communicate, support of each other has created beautiful and long lasting partnerships. There wasn’t infatuation going on, there was pure love based on their friendship.