Cluttered

The candle was lit, the essential oil was filling the room with a relaxing mix of eucalyptus and lavender.
The room was ready for a meditation session. On this particular day, the mind was not going to that quieter level, the mantra was not working and the thoughts just continued to bombard the brain. I finally had to stop the meditation and realize that today just wasn’t going to work. As I stood up, I looked at the table that I have set up  to be an altar with items that are meaningful to me and my peace. It was a mess. I felt the tear on my cheek before I realized I had welled up and started to cry. I felt overwhelmed with clutter.

The altar was the latest space that I saw as confused, disorganized and not welcoming. My garage and basement have been like that for me for a while, areas that need a good clean out and purge.  I had almost gotten used to that clutter (sad as that is). I am in the midst of pulling apart my files in my office so that space is beginning to feel cluttered and disorienting. My father is a depression baby, throwing things away doesn’t come naturally or easily. He holds onto envelopes, he holds onto junk mail as he reads it all. His clutter has become a bit of my clutter.

I feel as if I am choking. Choking on clutter everywhere, physically in my house, in my head, in my heart.

My mind is struggling to focus, it feels confused. It wants to think about things too much, overthinking is not good for you. It allows your ego to continually create stories for you, they aren’t all true. I lack clarity so setting intentions and being crystal clear to manifest my desires cannot happen.

My heart is hurting. It has so many chips and cracks in it, my heart is also confused. Confused about love, about people, about the world. My heart feels cluttered with emotion, compassion and confusion.

I know I need to get rid of the physical clutter. I know how to do it and will get that done. The emotional, head and heart, clutter is far more difficult. Some of it requires me coming to terms with endings, changes and forgiveness whether the apology does or does not occur. Some of it requires conversations. Some of it requires me releasing old stories and old wounds. The last 2 1/2 years has really shown me that there are deeper truths that get revealed to you as you grow and evolve and find old wounds that need attention again. This has been my greatest personal growth period during the hardest losses I have endured to date. In only a few months I lost Ricky(my cat), my mom, my career/identity and a friendship that meant the world to me. Through it all, I grew, expanded, evolved. Through the hurt. Through the pain.

Now this clutter is showing me more growth, I need to remove it so that I can step fully into my next phase. I know I need to release the clutter in my heart and my mind, the stories I have told myself.

Purging all of the superfluous, whether it be material or emotional, helps us to heal, to gain back our confidence and our power. We step into who we are meant to be, living the life we desire.