Restless

3:30am again! It seems that time shows up on the clock just as my eyes open almost every day. This day, falling back to sleep seemed to elude me. So, I got up, showered, dressed and was pulling into the parking garage at work at 5:43am. Crazy! I was sending emails at 6:11 am. I know I could have gotten up and worked out. I could have worked harder to sleep for another 2 hours. I could have, I could have. But I didn’t.

I thought it was work on my mind that caused me to be awake but it is happening so very often now that I am thinking differently. I read recently that sleep cannot help if it is your soul that is tired. And as I thought more and more, my soul may just be tired right now.

You know, I have done a lot of healing over the last 1 ½ years that I have been sharing my journey, and that wasn’t the beginning of my work.  I believe healing comes on many levels and over time you see and feel this.  It never really ends. There is healing, there are lessons, and there is growth as a person. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, or 10 years or 40 years ago.

Not that long ago I was sitting with my boss and telling him how I was the healthiest I had ever been in terms of my heart, soul and being. I was more patient, less judging of me thus of others, and happy. I was happy. He told me he could tell. Some how that feeling seems fleeting.

Now I feel like I have a knot in my stomach, I am less patient and most of all judging of me. My confidence has wavered, and I’m not me. I feel as if I could jump out of my skin. I sometimes think I am standing outside of myself and watching me behave in a way that is old, and I am tired of that old behavior.  And sometimes I stand outside of myself and wish I could run away and start over, somewhere where nobody knows me or my story, where my heart and head are valued and where I am loved.  Loved for all of me.

But why is it happening? What has triggered it and why am I feeling as restless as I am? I actually don’t have the answer right now nor do I have any thoughts and inspiring words to share about how I figured it out. I haven’t.

I’m tired. My soul is tired. Perhaps it is the world events and the ever present threat of violence that is draining my soul. Perhaps it is the bombardment of political polarization and nastiness on social media that is making me so restless. Or perhaps it is simply me. My soul wants more than it gets. My soul needs to be fed differently than it has been lately.

Last weekend I had the privilege of hosting a college graduation for one of my closest friends daughters. It was a wonderful day. Her friends were so lovely and each one at some point thanked me for having them at my house. I was so moved by their behavior and how genuinely happy they were to be here. That moment certainly fed my soul. It reminded me of the good in the world. It also reminded me that I am happiest when I am giving to others.

Perhaps part of my restlessness is that I am not giving my love enough.  I don’t get to see the people I love enough, I don’t get to love anyone special these days. And perhaps I am not loving me enough right now. I am picking on me, all the flaws, all the things that are wrong with me. As I said, my confidence is wavering right now which makes me more critical of me.

On the one hand, good for you Suzy for seeing this! On the other, for crying out loud cut it out! I know all of this and I know I need to breath, get back to some of my routines, use my tools, use my gurus and stop beating me up! I intellectually know all of this. I can’t seem to get out of my own way.

The stories I tell myself are not as positive as they had been so my soul isn’t as happy. My soul is restless, my heart is restless and I am restless.  

Sleep will not help if it is the soul that is tired. I need to feed my soul, feed my heart and find my happiness again. Ah, the cycles we go through, I guess this is a growth cycle for me, now I need to figure out what it is about!