Surrender and Let Go….

The hardest lesson on my spiritual journey has been to surrender and let things be. To not have control in how things get done and to have faith that what is for my highest good will occur. I have had to control things most of my life, at least that is what I always thought. I had to handle so that things got done. I had to be the one in control so I would know how things will go, I was prepared. How many of us are like that? I know a few of my friends are big time control freaks.  And they sometimes get aggravated that they feel they have to control, and without realizing it they don’t give others the opportunity to control, to handle. They jump in and do. They just assume someone else will not, without giving that other person a chance to do. Surrendering and letting go is really hard for someone who never thought they could.

Perhaps this time in our lives is to force us to surrender and let go of control. So much is not in our control and we can only do so much. Right now, that lesson is squarely in front of me. Dad is in the hospital. Nobody can be there with him. Nobody can easily speak with doctors, nurses, case workers. Under normal circumstances, we would be there all hours of the day and night, would have made sure everyone knew who we were and would have all the answers to our questions. Instead, it is leaving messages, hoping for someone to call us back. And it means trusting. Trusting the doctors. Trusting the nurses. Trusting the system. Talk about a crash course in surrendering and letting go!

There have been some very uneasy moments. Handing his information to EMTs, not knowing if the nurses would receive his medication list or wallet. Having doctors call you when they have a moment, and not having all the answers to all of your questions. Not being able to speak with dad whenever you want, his cell phone gets lost, the nurses are swamped and not interested in your blubbering issues. There have also been moments when you just trust. You trust that the doctor will call you when he can. You trust that the nurses are caring for you dad as much as anyone else. You trust that things are happening even if you aren’t there to make them happen. You trust that your dad is in good hands even though you want to be there.

Faith has not come easy to me. I didn’t have faith for a very long time and blamed God more than had faith in something bigger. I sat in a space for a long time that revolved around me and only me, I was the only one who get things done. God wasn’t there for me. I have learned that I wasn’t there for God, or the Universe or anything bigger than me. I didn’t trust for so very long.

Now, all my faith is sitting squarely on God’s shoulders. My faith is sitting on the shoulders of love, of the universe, of something much bigger and better than me. My faith is in the hands of all that I around me. As Moses heard from God, I am that I am. I keep reminding myself that God is there, God is good and God has my dad in his arms.

I have no choice but to surrender and let go.