The Weeds

This quote by Sylvia Browne just spoke to me! It just wacked me right in the face! My mind has been so ruled by fear. Fear that I cannot do something and will make a fool of myself; fear that I am not really good at my job or anything; fear that I am not good enough; fear that I will be alone; fear, fear,  fear! It is a no win situation when you are ruled by fear.  I have sabotaged myself over and over again because of fear.  My ex-husband once said to me, “you decide you can’t do something before you even try!” I thought he was wrong but he wasn’t. I have struggled to believe in me for so long!

I have come up with so many excuses as to why I cannot do something. I gave up skiing because I was sick of being cold and wet. That is what I tell everyone who asks! Well, that is partially the truth. I also gave it up because I was mediocre at it and was afraid (FEAR!!) of falling and getting hurt or making a fool of myself.  I stopped with a trainer because the trainer I loved left the gym and I am afraid of my new trainer.  She is tougher, and (here’s another excuse) doesn’t motivate me! Ha! I am not motivating myself.  I live in a state of fear that I will make an ass of myself! I don’t know why or what has causes me to feel this way.

As I think about what Jon said to me, “You decide you can’t do something before you even try,” I realize how right he was. I am already talking myself out of trying to run again. I have never been a runner but 18 months ago I wanted to run a 5k. I started to run and walk more at the gym and got to a point where I could run about 2 miles of a 5k. Not great but it was a great start for me. I ran in the 5k (I walked about a mile of it) and felt pretty good about the accomplishment.  I was going to keep working at this and get to a point where I could run the entire 5k. Oops all of a sudden I had a knee injury! That has lasted since March 2014 and now I am talking myself out of running again. I have arthritis! I will hurt myself more! I can’t run! My excuses. My fear.

I have an amazing friend who knows I am struggling to get fit and he wants me to train for a triathlon with him. He is willing to develop a training plan for me and push me to be ready for this event. He even said we could do this as a relay so I only have to do one of the 3 parts; swim, bike or run. I haven’t said yes yet! I haven’t said no yet! I am scared to death. Can I swim a mile? I am already talking myself out of being able to do that. Can I bike for 25 miles? I don’t even own a good bike right now! Can I run 13 miles? Well, we know the answer to that one, now don’t we!? All of this is out of fear. Fear that I won’t be able to do any of these; fear that I will look bad to him; fear that I will fail!

Failure has been my biggest fear ever and the reason I don’t start the things I say I will start! I am afraid of failing. I have “failed” in marriage; I have “failed” as a woman for not having children. I don’t like that I’m a failure in parts of my life. That has held me back so much! I know this fear is one I have to break through. I am not a failure because my marriages didn’t work. Yet, I have used those words often to describe me; a failure at relationships. Really? You have friendships that have lasted over 40 years; you have amazing relationships in all parts of your life. Yet because my two marriages ended, I am a failure. And because of how damaged I was out of these relationships, I don’t trust and am in fear of another relationship. So I sabotage them. I either try to hard too quickly or more importantly, I don’t go after them at all. I am too afraid of being turned down so I just don’t put myself in that place. Cannot get hurt if there is no one there to hurt you!

I have learned that fear is my biggest obstacle to being my best self! So for 2015, my mantra is Bigger, Bolder and Braver! I am going to take on my fears one weed at a time! I will name each fear as I pull it, face it and let it go. Fear will no longer have a grip on me.