alone…

I used to love roller coasters! I would go on everyone we could find with my first husband. We loved the myriad of coasters at Great Adventure which was not far from where we lived. We liked stand up coasters, regular up and down coasters, loved loops and going upside down and of course speed…we loved speed.

That love lessened over time, even when my step sons were younger, I started to get more scared about the coasters and went on them less and less frequently. I would rather not have the high highs and the low lows. I would rather not have the twists and turns and loops and drops. I would rather go a little slower and enjoy the surroundings and the moment more than the rush.

This seems to go hand and hand with life. At least mine. I used to run around, always have people to go and hang out with. When you are in your thirties and early forties, you really are in a prime part of your life. You work and are well established in your career. You begin to make some serious cash. You are interested in more than going out and getting drunk or getting laid but you still are out. You are social.

Hitting my fifties, things changed. I found that I go out less and when I do it is earlier, for dinner. Not out to hear a band or dance. Not out to socialize. I sometimes spend an entire weekend without any human contact except the gym, food store and Dunkin Donuts!

I am finding that I want to be alone a lot more. I want to be outside more but alone. That isn’t the me I’m used to. However today I was in a limo with 7 of my loves, and met up with20 more! And we got to see my cousin at Lincoln Center for the Miami City Ballet. What a beautiful and love filled day. I was not alone from the  moment I got to my parents house at about 11:15 am until I got in my car from their home to come home which was about 7:30pm.

And I feel energized. Like I would normally feel. Not drained how I have been feeling with people, especially family. I have felt like an outsider a lot lately, not sure why. I realize it is about me and not others, but I haven’t figured it out yet. But I do know that today reminded me that I do love connecting and being with people. I think it is about the right people, and this was certainly right. Cousins I get to see from time to time and some I haven’t seen in forever! And yet it always feels simple and easy! We have such a history as an extended family and love to see each other.

I guess the moral of this is that I cannot isolate myself for long or forever. I need to be able to do both, spend time a lone reflecting and recharging and spending time with others talking things out and moving forward. Both are integral to my well being and happiness. Both are needed in balance to help me be the best Suzy I can be.