Much of my adult life I have had what my friends call “concert voice.” Usually occurring after a night at a concert where I am singing loudly, talking, laughing, and for many years probably smoking. I would wake up with a sultry, sexy laryngitis that very often (at one time the only name used) compared to Suzanne Plushette. That would last a day or two and then I would be back to my normal deep voice, just less gravely.
Every now and then, I would get a bad sinus cold and lose my voice. I never really paid attention if there was anything else going on emotionally for me. I just assumed that this was due to a cold. Recently I woke up with no voice. This was only a few days after Easter and I had struggled through that holiday. I felt very alone. I love my family very much, but felt almost as an outsider looking in while with them.
During that week leading up to the laryngitis, I was struggling with whether I wanted to share what I was feeling with anyone, especially family. I felt like I wanted them to know that I was feeling alone, that I didn’t feel like part of the family anymore and didn’t know why. That the only people who really make me a priority and worry about me are in their 90’s. When I lose them, I am alone. That reality hit me so hard on Easter. The cold was also getting worse as the week went on.
I awoke on Thursday to no voice. I immediately sent a text to my intuitive healer cousin asking her what no voice meant. As you know from previous situations, I believe that your emotions have an impact on your body. She came back quickly, as if she didn’t even need to look it up, with “you are not speaking your truth.”
Bam! Yep! I was struggling with what and how to express what I was feeling. And so I waited.
Saturday came and I had my time with my genius guru, happiness advocate. She is incredible. Where we actually got to and where my voice started making a stronger appearance was that I want to let go of this “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine,” impression I make. I have been that person and I am proud of how independent I am but I really want to be able to rely on people. I had a shield up that said “don’t get too close, I don’t want to get hurt.” I let a lot of people think they are in, but most really aren’t. There are a select few who have proven they will not hurt me and they are in. I want to get rid of that shield. Underneath it right now I really want to be included. I want intimacy, with friends, with family, with a lover.
This realization that I don’t want to keep my guard up anymore is big. And while that was being discussed, my voice got stronger. When I cried about some of the hurts, I was barely in a whisper. I was denying my hurt and needed to let that go.
I was with much of my family again that next Sunday. My voice was half back and I still didn’t feel great. My parents called me while I was speaking with my brother. They called to check on me, of course. As I hung up I looked at my brother and said, “they wanted to see how I was feeling.” He quickly responded, “they worry about you.” And I had my opportunity, “they are the only ones who do.”
I didn’t need to say anything more and I didn’t want to. I left shortly thereafter and by the next morning my voice was a bit stronger.
I at least now understand what and why I was feeling what I was feeling. That shield was starting to disintegrate, I am growing.
Speaking your truth is so very important. It doesn’t mean you have to say it a certain way or hurt another. But you must share your truth, you cannot push it down and ignore it. You will choke on it at some point.