We all put walls around us to protect us from hurt. Some are quite apparent as they may be less social, guarded and perhaps never really share feelings with anyone. Others are less so as they give the appearance of being an open book, but they really let very few people into their pain. They give off an impression that they are open but they hide their biggest insecurities, their biggest fears. People always think they are good, they’ve got it together. And most times they do, but there are wounds and hurts so deep that they don’t let others in to that depth. They let a tough exterior show up most of the time. They may not even let themselves feel those hurts that are so deep.
When they do allow a crack in that hard exterior and allow some in, they are either hurt, which validates why people shouldn’t get in, or they keep that circle very small and don’t share everything with anyone. And with that approach sometimes comes a personality that exudes toughness. They hide who they really are. They hide that they need help, need support, need to feel a part of something bigger.
And then that becomes a way of life. It is what is expected so it is what is seen. When they fall apart, others are shocked, and don’t know how to help. When you are told, “you are my strongest child,” you just do. You don’t let many in.
So through this last year or so, I have worked to let these walls down more. To let some know the depths of my hurt, my pain, my loneliness, and my fears. As I live more in alignment with who I really am, I let others see my heart more, my hurt more, me more. But it is not easy. I don’t like to be so vulnerable at times, as it is then I can be hurt more. My feelings are more on the surface and apparent.
Right now all of these feelings are on the surface and becoming more apparent to me and to those around me. I was doing an exercise with my coach recently and without thinking I had to just write what I thought of when she said a few things. One of the words she used was alone. I immediately started to write that my family not being around much and not reaching out to me, not including me in things made me feel alone. That I stopped calling some friends to see if I would hear from them, no I didn’t. That one friend in particular never seems to have time to make me or us any priority at all. I get that we are all busy, that isn’t my expectation, but I feel alone because nobody ever seems to reach out to me. I do all of the reaching out. I make the time for everyone else.
I cried through the entire thing, because those feelings of being alone were so strong. I know I have reacted in a negative way by just choosing to not reach out. I know that isn’t being true to me, but I also need for some to understand just how alone I feel. And I have to get out alone and do more to meet others. All things I get, I understand but I have trouble doing. This is a time for me to move forward and grow, I now know that.
Last weekend I started hearing this tapping at my front door. I had to be 5am on Saturday. I got up and looked down at the door and saw both Lucy and Ricky looking out the door, tails wagging (yes I have cats who wag their tails!). I could hear the tapping and hear feathers, I thought there must be a bird outside the door. It sounded a bit distressed, but it was 5am so I just went back to bed. I could hear that tapping a bit and then fell back to sleep. Later that morning before I left for the day I heard it again.
Hmmm. Interesting noise, must be seeing itself in the kickplate. All of this going on as these feelings are at the surface, as I am preparing to be with my family and not feel alone when I am with them.
Sunday morning comes and there is that tapping again. I finally walk to the door and I see a Robin pecking at the kickplate on the front door. The bird doesn’t stop. It isn’t at all distressed. I knock on the door and it flies off. As I made coffee, it returned. Peck, Peck, Peck at the kickplate as if it is trying to get my attention. Not at all distressed by the cats, or by me. A beautiful Robin Redbreast just hanging out at my door.
So I did what I would do and looked up what the Robin was a symbol for. “A Robin’s medicine includes understanding the power of song, happiness. A guide in the wisdom of change, growth and renewal.”
I was struck by this meaning. At that same time I receive a text from my coach, just checking in on me, letting me she liked pictures I sent, right at that moment? Really?
So, the Robin (and thus my coach) is here to guide me through change and growth and renewal. Interesting that I am feeling growth and renewal as I navigate through this period of letting my guard down more, letting these walls down more and speaking my truth more. A powerful sign for my path, a powerful moment in my journey.
I am still working to figure out the growth I am experiencing. I know it is in letting walls down, but that is not so easy for me, so navigating it is interesting. Where will it lead? I learned a long time ago to not let everyone in so deep, then I may get hurt. I am now unlearning that and realizing that not letting them in has made me appear stronger than I want to appear, and that I am ok alone. The real truth is, I don’t mind being alone but I do not like being lonely. And they are different for me. I don’t always want to be the strong one.
The Robin was here at 6am this morning, continuing to remind me to grow and renew and stay true to my journey. The journey is never a straight path, but it is a necessary one as I continue to become more of who I was meant to be.