Here I go again…

Oh boy, tough week. My frustration came through a few times this week. I allowed a lot of things to bother me and then reacted poorly. I took an approach with each situation that wasn’t me at my best; it wasn’t me in alignment with who I am. It was me feeling inadequate. It was the old me, not worthy.

I sat in the hot tub with a glass of pinot grigio in my hand, realizing that I needed to figure out what was hiding below the surface. Another layer, another spiral in the journey. A deeper understanding of hurts and then experiencing greater healing. Something triggered my feelings of inadequacy and I needed to figure that out.

I am generally happy, following my heart. I have gotten better at feeling things instead of burying them. I have gotten better at (although not great yet) letting go of hurts. I have realized over the last few weeks I haven’t felt as good as I did prior.

So, what triggered the feelings I realized I was feeling? Inadequate. Not worthy.

So as I sat soaking in the tub I realized that the last few weekends I had been with a number of different people all married a long time. Some 60 years, 30 years, and in between. I think I realized that my inadequate feeling came from not having that, of being alone. I am not important and I am not worthy, is what I think sometimes, forgetting what I do have.

I have forged my own path, I have made every big decision in my life myself, some good, some not so. I am successful in my life, I am loved and I do love. I haven’t found the one yet, the one who will be there for the rest of my days, but I am not unworthy of that. I just haven’t found the person to fit my puzzle.

I say all of that, and I believe it and live it….for a while. Then, it seems, I falter again. I focus on what I don’t have versus what I do have. I have to continually train myself to focus on what I have in my life and not that I am alone.

I was recently with a friend who is also single. She just came off a trip that she described as transformative. She was able to show herself love, compassion and kindness which are so great. But we talked about men and partners and it’s hard. We live in a couple’s world. Yet both of us seem to do ok, as we focus on what we have and what we are learning and not what we don’t have.

It’s a great feeling to know that you can show yourself compassion. I sometimes forget that, like this week. I focused on beating myself up and not loving myself. That showed up by my being difficult, aggressive and directive. I didn’t like it. Through loving myself I will think about how to approach others and want to do that in alignment, in a loving way. Not how I did it this week.

Worthiness comes back in so many shapes and sizes for me. I wish I could figure out how to move on from this and not allow situations to impact how worthy I think I am. I know I need to get better at not going there, but I am so glad I figured out what I needed tonight to reflect. I realize now that I am worthy. I am worthy.