A year ago, I was in the worst car accident I had ever been in. A young driver decided to lane-split between me and a pick-up truck on the Garden State Parkway going 70miles per hour. Oh, he was in a BMW not a motorcycle! His car didn’t fit the way he thought it would. He bounced off of the pick-up who veered left, then off of my 2018 Audi, which caused me to veer right. As I did, I bounced off of the car to my right and the impact pushed me into the middle of the parkway and I found myself in a 360 spin at 70 miles per hour. At one point, I could see all of the other cars coming toward me, I was facing them as I spun. I remember 5 thoughts from that moment:
I immediately thanked my Dad who taught me how to get out of a spin. I also thanked Audi, as the pre-sense in the car allowed it to slow down. I thanked every God and Goddess, angel, guide and ancestor who protected me.
At the moment of the accident, once I knew I was okay, I was just angry. I was angry at the kid, the parents of the kid and the situation. I was grateful that I was able to walk away. The next day, I was grateful and felt fine. It is just a car.
On that Monday, when I went to get my rental car and go to the impound to take all of my stuff out of the car, I began to feel the emotion of the accident. I drove for about 3 miles and felt my body tighten. By the time I got to the impound 20 miles away, I was in a full fledged panic attack, crying and realizing that driving on the parkway was not something I ever wanted to do again. Me, the girl who has driven on highways her entire life, including driving mom to the Bronx when all I had was a permit, was scared to be on the parkway. I stayed off that section of the parkway for over 2 months. I would get off the highway and take back roads to not go through that fear. I knew I needed to at some point, I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t going to push myself to be ready.
That old saying of getting right back on the horse, it’s good. It isn’t right for me anymore though. We used to tell people to push through the fear, look it in the eye and knock it out. Do it in spite of your fear. That no longer works for me. Now, I work through it differently.
I will breathe and create safety in my nervous system so that the fear response subsides so I can now understand what the fear is about. I may meditate as a way to hear my inner wisdom and recognize ways to move forward. I will reframe what I am hearing in my brain, understanding that what I am hearing is the fear and consider what my higher, next best self would be thinking. I may soothe my fear, allowing it to soften and be less prominent by loving it. I may visualize myself doing whatever it is I am afraid of so that my brain knows that I can survive it, I am safe. I may lighten up the mood, adding playfulness and levity to the moment to allow the fear to subside. I may take a first step toward what I desire. All of these ways to play with my fear exist and during this time last year, I was using them all.
I didn’t rush myself. I didn’t push myself. I didn’t let others who were uncomfortable in my emotions to impact me or change how I moved forward. I knew what was right for me. For once. other people’s opinions didn’t matter to me. And that was so refreshing that I realized I was still letting other’s opinions impact me a bit. I thought I had rewired that old belief. Going through all of this last year allowed me to see what old beliefs had more of a hold on me than I thought.
The trauma of that accident allowed me to go deeper into healing some of my worthiness stories. I was able to really rewire myself, healing my little girl more. Healing the inner feelings of not being important, not being worthy of anything I desire. Not being worthy to be alive, I thought that for a lot of my life. This year I was able to finally find my worth in myself, fully. Not needing another person to help me feel worthy. That was a big gift of this accident and the fear that arose from it.
A year later, my book is about to come out and I am feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually the best I ever have felt. I am connected to everything and everyone and attached to nothing, no person.
One Year.