I am Being…

I have writer’s block. This has been a new experience for me. I sat at my computer a few different times and nothing of substance came out. I sat with my journal every night and I barely could find words to put on the page.  There was nothing to draw upon, no emotion. I wasn’t excited about anything, hurt by anything, curious about anything, upset about anything. None of the above inspired me to write.

I was not inspired at all. This reality led me to question why I was not inspired. My greatest realization hit when I my mind wandered and I heard, “Suzy, nothing seems to be inspiring you these days.”  I am right now allowing my life to pass by, I am completely passive in my life. And that stark reality hit hard. I am not living right now. I am existing. I am not pushing myself to learn or do. And by being passive, I am becoming numb. I am numb to feelings. I am not allowing myself to feel much, or express my feelings as I normally would do.

Numb. This isn’t a way to live, this is a way to exist. And numb has a place in my view. There are times when numb, not feeling anything and not expressing anything of substance is a safe place to be. But you cannot stay there forever and be happy. Numb doesn’t equal happy. And I want happy.

I was sitting outside last evening listening to the symphony that occurs at night this time of year. Between the tree frogs, and other night animals and bugs, they make beautiful music that together make up my summer night sounds. It is soothing and haunting at the same time. I live in the middle of woods, so the sounds amplify and fill every corner of my yard and mind. As I listened to the music of the night I realized that my state of happiness had been waning. I wasn’t gleeful and feeling light. I had a heaviness on my shoulders that I could not shake. I felt a teardrop fall onto my lap, a sign of emotion beginning to come to the surface, something that hadn’t happened in a few weeks. I was lacking emotion, lacking drive, lacking inspiration in life. I was going through motions but not really happily living life. This lacking mentality manifests and grows when given water and food, I had been feeding it greatly. The more I felt passive the more energy I gave to reasons so they felt real.  Instead of fighting these feelings off and pulling them apart so they could not have life, I breathed life into them. I let passivity and excuses take a front seat in my life.

As I sat and listened to the sounds of the night I realized that I had given up many of my basic rituals that made me focus on the moment, remind me of my open heart and generally helped me focus on a positive life. I needed to get back to my basics.

So this morning I began. As I got out of bed and stretched, I said out loud, “You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart.” I smiled. I smiled for so many reasons at that moment. I smiled because that line makes me feel good and reminds me of the love I have in my heart. I smiled because it was a step in my reclamation of living.  I smiled because I saw the play “Beautiful,” in January and loved it. I smiled because of the memories of seeing the play, who I was with and the evening that we had.  I smiled because I was happy.

As I stood in my bathroom, the tattered pieces of paper taped to my mirror came to life. I hadn’t actually recently read my affirmations that have adorned my bathroom mirror for a few years now.  I stood there and read each one aloud, reminding myself of the words and emotions that came with each affirmation.  I AM a creative and intelligent human being. I AM loving and kind.

Just these two acts this morning along with my introspection last evening allowed for me to write today. I received,  pretty quickly, some inspiration and motivation to share.

We cannot be passive in our life. It cannot only be about doing, it must be about being. And when we find ourselves on the sidelines, we must address that so that we live. We live in the moment. We get inspired to feel each moment, to allow emotions to come to the surface, to reach out and grab life versus letting life run us.

Be don’t do. Live don’t wait. Get happy, don’t rely on people or situations. Writer’s block allowed me to explore what was really going on and I’m determined to get back to my life and not let it pass by me.

I am being.