“Hi, this is Kathy from Hand and Stone in Howell.” I let out a little giggle as I realized I had been paying a membership fee since February and hadn’t used them yet! I thought I would really focus on caring for me and ensuring that I was having relaxing massages or stimulating facials. At that moment, I realized I wasn’t practicing self-love at all in 2017, I was hard on myself. I judged me again and fell into my pattern of feeling unworthy and unlovable. So I realized as I was reflecting on the year that one of the lessons of the year is all about self-love. I took giant steps backwards in 2017 and everything that occurred and how I reacted just validated it for me, ask for it and you receive it. I need to let this doubt go and grasp onto love.
The other major lesson for me is patience. My patience has worn even more thin since my mom died. It’s the need to get immediate results, have things as soon as I want them, whether it be things or situations, or even people’s feelings. My patience and ability to wait to receive versus go out there and make it happen is a huge lesson for me and one I want and expect to focus on for 2018. I will need to be patient as I embark on a new chapter filled with new experiences, some new skills, new support system and community and most of all, less structure and more freedom for me. This means patience, that things will come differently.
Patience and self -love, the two biggest lessons of the year, and two elusive traits for me right now. Neither of these lessons will be easy to push through, learn and reshape. These are patterns that are very deep for me.
Self-love is much harder for me. Right now I am feeling completely unlovable…again! All those demons that I have faced down, why are they back? Whatever I am trying to heal right now, it seems deeply rooted. I’m vacillating between “this is about you not me,” and “of course, I can’t be fully loved for who I am. I’m not lovable.” This is the one that I need to let go of, let those sandbags go and let the balloon rise. 2017 is asking me to apply this lesson to a current situation and I am having trouble doing so. I go back and forth, one moment I blame whoever I am dealing with and, the next it is me. Why do I believe I am unlovable versus I deserve better? This pattern keeps coming up for me, one that I need to finally heal and change. This is where changing my story is integral to the healing process and I have allowed that story to re-emerge. It had quieted and I thought rewritten for a while. Much to my dismay, it was triggered, and there it was!
As I reflected more on the year, I realized that one of the biggest surprises was the way I felt about my work. I was no longer excited or jazzed about the work. I enjoyed leading my team and working with individuals who sought me out, but the day to day work was far from stimulating for me. I didn’t feel the same passion I once did.
My friend, mentor, coach and Genius Guru, Gina, told me that you just know when it is time for something new and I knew . I needed something new, more individual impact. I knew it was time to let go of my corporate life and create something using those skills and others. And I will. That will call for zero self -doubt and a lot of self- love.
As I begin the journey into chapter two, I know that the story around my self-love and self-talk is what needs to change. Today, when I count on me and something doesn’t work out, I blame me. I don’t just look at the circumstance and say “because,” as the answer to “why?” I need an answer today and I very often make it my inability or inadequacy.
I know I need to let go of old self-doubts and self-defeating habits. I need to never give up and realize that my dreams are all in reach.
So for New Year’s Eve I have a few rituals planned to let go of some of these weights and cleanse my surroundings. I purchased sage today to cleanse the house. I bought some new crystals that clear negative energy and I also plan on doing what I did last year, write down on small pieces of paper what I need to let go of and burn that paper in my fireplace.
I also have some rituals that I have done every year for many now, new pajamas, yellow underwear and a walk on the beach video- taping what I plan to do in 2018!
Here’s to witnessing my darkest, letting it go and healing in the new year, ready for chapter two.