“What happened at the age of 15?” she asked for the 3rd time in a few months. She had asked me this back in 2010 during a healing and I assumed it was about the scandal at that time, a pregnancy and marriage, in that order. My brother left college to marry his girlfriend and my parents were certainly not thrilled. It was a tumultuous time for the family and at 15, I was affected. I knew I never wanted to be in that position.
The fact that this has been asked 3 times more recently had been in the back of my mind. Something else was there, a deeper truth about trauma at that time. I recently heard Rick Allen, Def Leppard drummer, speak about how we are all traumatized, just differently from each other. His trauma was an accident that left a drummer without one arm, one that he overcame and still plays the drums with the band.
His comments stuck with me, yes we are all traumatized in some way. Many traumas are emotional, like mine. His was physical and I am sure impacted him emotionally. Mine, being emotional manifest physically as well, my ankles of late!
It was my ankles that helped me have the revelation about what happened at the age of 15 and how that is a wound that as I release and heal it, will drop much weight from me emotionally. I feel lighter and better since I realized this deeper truth last night.
My ankles were very sore, the tendinitis has been coming and going over the last week or so as I step forward into my new life, and begin to step on less steady ground. That stability is emotionally tied to my feet and ankles, knees, to the base of my spine. The soreness coming and going was making sense to me, I am building confidence about chapter 2 and with that stability isn’t as rocked. Then there are times I am scared as hell, and wonder what I did! I decided a hot bath with Epsom salt would help my ankles.
I was very tired, hadn’t slept well the night before, so I put bubbles in as well, lit lavender candles and dimmed the lights. I wanted to really relax. As I sat in the tub, I began to rub my ankles and then place my hands over them giving them Reiki. I started to pray and talk about letting go and moving forward, and I thought about being 15 years old. Within a second of thinking, it hit me! My best friend and my boyfriend were both moving away from Fords. My best friend lived next door to me and was moving to Ohio. My boyfriend (not sure we were ever really boyfriend and girlfriend, but we adored each other) moved to north Jersey, over an hour away.
I was so distraught but didn’t have either of them to support me about the other. Somewhere deep down, I internalized this to be about me. I now see that I really was upset and angry over these moves and had nobody to support me through this big upheaval in my life. I probably blamed them, even though it was so out of their control, and somehow became passively aggressively angry. I also think this led me to some of the “not good enough” feelings. As I thought about all of this last night, I immediately realized that I internalized this, and thought they weren’t there for me because they really didn’t care, I wasn’t important enough.
I was still holding my ankles and said a prayer to let go of these feelings. To forgive the entire situation including me, understanding that it wasn’t about them or me. I want this belief to finally be gone. I want the sandbag to fall off of that hot air balloon and lighten my load.
This is what I have described before as the spiral. Healing comes around that spiral to help you find the deeper truth. I have now found it. Although my husbands both pulled the scab off of “I’m not good enough” those were top layers that I healed. This is the real deep layer.
I feel lighter and better already. I am feeling more in tune with myself and the universe every day.