A Lesser Version?

“If you are able to imagine the best version of yourself and how they behave, why aren’t behaving like them in this very moment? Have you become too comfortable functioning as a lesser version of yourself? ~ Ebonee Davis

Bam! Hit me hard, am I too comfortable functioning as a lesser version of myself? This is timely as I have reacted to a situation in a way that I don’t like. Why is it you cannot always bring your best version and instead resort to this lesser version? I know, nobody is perfect, you can’t expect to always behave in a desirable way, but I think that is a cop out. If we are functioning as our best, then we would react in the way that best serves us. Me, mouthing off and not being nice to someone, that isn’t going to best serve me, that’s for sure!
As I thought about my reaction this week I realized that it all comes from the same place, my lesser version is scared. When I react from a place a fear, I am like a cornered animal with my claws out ready to pounce. My claws are always my words, which I know at times can cut to the core. I am very aware of that ability to be outright nasty, say things that can be hurtful and generally not nice. I don’t like that version. Yet, with all my training, healing, and work on me, that version still comes out from time to time.
That fear goes back to a very deep seeded fear of being alone. I haven’t busted through that one yet! So all too often my lesser version is coming from a place of loneliness and expectations that have been shattered. Expectations that people mean what they say, although very often they may mean it in the moment but they cannot sustain the feelings. Expectations that when someone says they love you they will love you forever. Expectations that when people say they are there for you, they are there when you need them not when you don’t. Expectations that people show you who they are, especially if they say they love you versus having a mask on that falls off at some point.
Recently I was having a conversation with someone quite close to me. Her comments hit me and made me pause for a while. She said that with all she knows about me, hears about me and reads about me, she thinks very highly of me. She then said, the one thing that didn’t seem to fit was marrying my second husband who ended up being a con man. I had to think for a minute and then shared that I didn’t listen to my gut, those yellow and red flags were ignored, because I loved how it felt to be loved. And I felt loved for a while. Eventually though, his mask fell off and I saw the real him. Of course that didn’t happen before I was completely stripped down to bare bones and made to feel unworthy of anything including love, but it did finally come off. I was absolutely a lesser version of me during parts of that marriage, all because he couldn’t handle my best. Nor could I with him, since he didn’t bring out my best.
It’s time to take that lesser version and get rid of her once and for all. I realize fears will pop up from time to time but to live in a state of fear, to allow fears to guide me will not bring me to the place I want to be. Allowing things to happen versus having expectations around what will occur or how it will occur only feeds the beast. It is time to let that best version of me, and you, shine through all of the time.
My plan over the next week is to really think about my best version. What does she look like, sound like, act like, react like? And then continue to work toward being that best version as often as possible. It is time.
Let’s stop functioning at that lower level, let’s kick fear’s ass and move forward. It is time.

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