It is a new moon today. That little sliver of a moon that reminds you that a new cycle is beginning. That little sliver of a moon that allows for new ideas, new wishes and new intentions and wipes away all of the clutter. That little sliver of a moon that helps us all move forward and fills us with energy to take a giant leap of faith.
In keeping with my newest daily routine of picking a wish from the wish jar that my dad gave me posthumously, I pulled the perfect paper for today, “I accept the love I deserve, and I know I deserve the best.” As soon as I read that my eyes filled with tears and my heart began to beat just a bit louder. Yes, dad knew me well and somehow the right wish ended up in my hands at the right time.
It got me thinking about all of the love that I have had in my life and the love I do have. The failed relationships, the marriages, the “loves” I thought I had, the friendships that had waned over the years. The intimate relationships where I shared myself only to be left out in the cold after sharing my fears and my vulnerabilities. The intimate relationships where comments are made that are hurtful and you wonder why you ever trusted that person as much as you did. The family relationships where your heart is hurt. The friendships that have lasted 40 plus years and gone through their own ups and downs but always there with a sense of love and understanding.
My thoughts rambled through my head as I began to understand the real power of this wish. I attracted a lot of relationships in my life that had what I would call sub-par love. The love was all conditional, quid pro quo if you will. I thought about the love languages and that we never really understood each other and the love language that we each spoke. In my second marriage it became obvious after the fact that my love language was “act of service” and his was “physical.” I behaved in terms of I do for you and then you do for me. He behaved in terms of if you love me you will take care of me physically. We never talked about the love languages and understanding each other in that way, he would get angry at me if I didn’t do what he expected and I would be hurt by his lack of attention to take care of something for me. Early on in our relationship it felt as if we spoke the same love language. I remember one day I was driving home from my long commute and day at work and realized that I left the morning with dishes in the sink. Something I do very rarely but I am sure we were preoccupied after dinner and I left for work at 5:30am. I had a fleeting thought that perhaps he did the dishes instead of leaving them for me and how that would make me feel. Then I let it go as he did’t need to, we weren’t living together yet, he had just stayed at my house. I walked in the door tired and frustrated from the traffic and the sink was clear. He understood my love language at that time. Over the course of the marriage, that changed and he was focused on his love language only, and I was focused on mine.
When we split after being married, I remember feeling that I obviously didn’t deserve to be loved the way I wanted to be loved because I was broken. I was deep in my depression and thought I deserved nothing better than what I had. My brokenness showed me that the love I didn’t think I deserved was my own. I didn’t accept that love so I couldn’t accept anyone else’s love. I attracted people who either didn’t love themselves at all or enough, so again how could we love others. Even in friendships I was dealing with people who focused on it being confidence in themselves instead of purely loving themselves. I heard judgements in their comments. Judgements about others, I have learned, always circle back to judgements about ourselves. As I hear these judgments from friends I realize they may not love themselves quite enough or fully.
This wish seemed more and more appropriate now that I have focused much more on loving myself. I have healed many old wounds and have changed those stories in my mind. There are always things we want to be better, I am constantly learning and growing and developing but that isn’t about not loving myself. My love for me is why I want to grow and develop and be my best, live my best life.
And so on this new moon, my intention is simply my father’s wish for me. I accept the love I deserve, and I know I deserve the best. And so it is.