Many of you may have seen my year end process. I spend time focusing on what worked well in the year, what didn’t, and what do I want out of the new year. I take time to really reflect and then put things in place to make whatever shifts I need, inspired actions I want to take and focus that I want in the new year. I don’t set resolutions, I create intentions. For 2020, one of the things I intended was to be a better friend than I felt I was in 2019. I allowed myself to get caught up in feelings and issues that were out of alignment with who I am and who I am becoming. I allowed jealousy to come into play. I allowed fear to take hold. I allowed a lot of things to get in the way of some of closest friendships (and family relationships). I wanted 2020 to be different.
I didn’t want to hold any grudges. I didn’t want to focus on “when was the last time so-and-so called me.” I wanted to focus on being the light, Being the friend that I wanted back.
I haven’t done as good a job of that in 2020 as I planned. In some cases, I know that the pandemic, and losing my dad consumed me. It has consumed what I want and where I am. I have also let the divide of the country consume me. All of this has left me not being the friend that I want to be. I have kept to myself. I have not reached out the way I swore I would. I have allowed things to upset me. I have turned into myself and done exactly what I didn’t want to do, abandon friends and be selfish.
This letter serves as your notice that I know all of this. This letter serves as my way of saying that I haven’t always liked the way I have behaved, and am working through it all to heal. This letter serves as my way to be held accountable to being a better friend, a better family member, a better human.
I know that thoughts create feelings which create actions and thus results. I know that when I don’t like the result I must go back to the thought. My thoughts have bounced between gratitude for all of you and your love, and feeling sorry for me for being “alone” in the world. My loneliness then validates that and I get upset and turn inward. I know all of this. It doesn’t mean I can change it quickly.
I also know that we all go backwards at times, we all fall sometimes. With all the healing and transforming I have done in my life, I have also learned that is another way to learn a lesson. I have learned that at least now, when I do fall, when I do go backwards, I am resilient and lift myself back up quickly. I don’t stay there any more. I don’t wallow in self pity or self righteousness as I once did. I move up and move on.
My hope is that I am better friend in the last 3 months of the year than I have been through 9 months of the year. My hope is at the end of this year, my intention will no longer “be a better friend” but will be “Continue to be grateful for my friends and family and ensure they know how I feel.”
I hope you know how I feel. I love you and honor you as I love me and honor me.