The ocean air, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, the passing seagull’s hello, the sun warming my face, all a perfect way to start my day. The house was quiet. Steph was still sleeping and Don had been out since before sunrise birdwatching and snapping, I’m sure, incredible photos.
As I sat on the deck sipping my hazelnut coffee, I realized that I felt relaxed for the first time in weeks. I made a decision to not go on a planned trip much to the chagrin of some. “Too much weighing on my mind,” I thought. I would not have enjoyed myself. The decision, though difficult and may have cost me a friendship, was the right one for me. That, I knew. Work was weighing heavily my mind as was the health and well-being of my mom. She was definitely getting weaker and I knew I needed to be closer than 4000 miles and an eight hour plane ride.
The right decision was made, so what else was weighing on my mind? I haven’t slept well in a few weeks, haven’t eaten well, exercised the way I need to or relax at all. I have desires and wants that I am struggling with right now. As I gave thought to this, I realized that instead of creating space for them and letting things just happen, I was trying to force some things. And that wasn’t working so I was reverting to some old behavior. And thus feeling terrible about me. Again that old nagging thought, “I’m not good enough” came up!
I never really understood the concept of “creating space” for something. My gurus all talk about it but I have struggled to understand what I needed to do differently to create space or room for something. As I sat on the deck hearing the ocean I realized that perhaps I was thinking about it all wrong. I was too focused on what I wanted and trying to force things that cannot be forced. I was focused on how to make it happen, rehearsing conversations that would never happen. I needed to let go of these behaviors and just be. Just let things be.
I am currently in the process of cleaning out my two walk in closets in my bedroom so that my handyman can demolish them and rebuild just one very large very organized closet. This has caused me to go through just about every stitch of clothing, every pair of shoes and every handbag and scarf I own. Those who know me well know that this is not an easy feat and I am one who owns way too much! I have over fifteen bags of clothes to give away and know that I probably could fill up another ten if I was honest with myself about what I will wear. This clutter needs to be gone. A nice metaphor for me and my life. What clutter needs to go to make room for something new?
I closed my eyes and just began to silently tell myself what to let go of. The clutter I was reacting to is all emotional. I need to let go of self-doubt. I need to let go of destructive habits like binge eating. I need to let go of the words I use such as “I can’t”, “I’m afraid”, or “I don’t think I can”.
At that moment I remembered a quote I had just sent to a friend the day before.
“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.” ~ C.JoyBell C.
So do I let go of fear or embrace it as something worth it? What does that look like for me? I have a planned action this summer to break through fear and embrace trusting someone and not being in control of something. I am going tandem skydiving this summer! I see this as a bold move to help me break through my inability to truly trust someone again, to embrace someone taking the lead in my life instead of me always being in control of my life! Ridding me of these habits and my self-talk is a way for me to make space for all the positive coming my way.
A bird landed on the railing of the deck and let out the slightest chirp to break me of my thoughts. When I looked up I saw it was a robin, my first of the season and right next to me. As I sat there I realized that this bird was telling me, “You got this babe! You are creating space and you will keep doing so until you get all you are praying for.”
My way of creating space is letting go of fear, letting go of self- doubt and making room for all good. What is yours?