“What do you want to talk about today?” she asked. My mind went to moving my business forward, how to get out there more to create the platform for speaking and attracting clients. We began to talk about what was happening in my business and where I hoped to take it, not for the financial gain but for the opportunity to help people become a better version of themselves. “I need help to build the platform that hones in my message and continues to help me attract clients.”
She asked me what was holding me back. I couldn’t answer at first. I wasn’t sure if anything was holding me back, I thought perhaps I just needed help with marketing, with creating, as I am not a marketer by training, I’m not a sales person and yet in this world, I need to sell myself and my message. I thought it was about needing someone’s thoughts and imagination to help me create. She offered an observation after we talked for a while. “I think you are doubting yourself. Are you always this hard on yourself?” Bam! Mic drop!
I felt the tears well up in my eyes and my voice crack a little. I held on and didn’t allow my emotions to run away, I took a deep breathe and responded,” yes.” And so it began again, my head doubting my abilities. My heart doubting my worth.
I shared with her that I had attended a full day coaching training session 2 weeks ago and how I felt walking into the room. I truly thought to myself that I don’t belong here. I am going to be the worst coach there, I am not good enough to do this. That self-doubt was rearing it’s ugly head and I was falling into the trap. My gremlin was coming out in full force reminding me that I’m really not that good, as a coach, as a person. This is why you are alone, it says to me. This is why your friends keep their distance at times, it reminded me.
The ridiculous part of all of this is that I know in my heart that I am a good and kind person, and I am a good coach. I am filled with compassion, and I use my intuition as well as my brain to help others see their worth. I can easily distill out of what someone has told me about themselves, the story they are telling themselves and help them create a new story. Why am I stuck in my own story? Why does this story come to the surface after all of the time and energy I have put into squelch it, to change it?
I see the growth of my clients. I see my growth. Why does this pattern still exist? I read a quote recently that spoke about spiritual growth. It basically said that spiritual growth does not happen on the yoga mat or during meditation, but happens in the midst of your anger/frustration/disappointment when you see the old pattern pop up and realize you have an opportunity to change your thinking and do. With this in mind, I started to think about the pattern of questioning my abilities, questioning my worth, doubting who I am. Was it because of events, because of the lack of people around me, because I’m alone in the world with nobody there to really cheer me on, help me think about things and be there for me when I need them? Is that the actual thought pattern that needs to change? Of course it is. It is hard one to change when you do look around and know that in reality you are alone in the world with nobody to really support you in your endeavors, nobody to cheer you on, give you ideas and be your person. That thought pattern continues to swirl so that it is so. Your reality is created by the thoughts and the thoughts are created by your mindset. The more you think these negative thoughts the more they are real.
Don’t get me wrong, I have people I can count on and I know that. I have family and friends who love me and would be there if I asked. However, they all have their own priorities, as they should. I am not one. I am not a priority to anyone and I know that. People have kids, spouses and others who are and should be their priority. It is hard at times to navigate this world and all you do completely by yourself. Especially a new world. It isn’t so much about being afraid to make a mistake, it isn’t about my former views of perfectionism. I have really focused the last few years on trying things, if they work, great, if not, what did I learn? I am actually ok with this and do look at more things as an opportunity and not a failure. It is less about fear of failure and more about loneliness and being alone. When she asked me what I did to celebrate my wins, I laughed. I don’t take time to celebrate me, I have nobody to celebrate me with. And that is what it all comes down to. I question myself because I have nothing to help me see my worth and I have trouble seeing it on my own.
This is a roller coaster I want to get off. Going back and forth between being the confident Suzy and the worthless Suzy is exhausting, emotionally draining and is keeping me from being my best self. She actually doesn’t know how much I needed that conversation this week to crystalize this pattern so I can work through again, on a deeper level. It is affecting me more than I wanted to admit.
Time to go to work on this gremlin again.