As I sat on the steps of my deck watching the world come alive, I started to think about some of my comments and actions of late. I have been a bit bratty, I thought. Pushing a relationship a bit harder, trying to convince someone, them or me, that this is best friend material. Then a second later, I am almost bitchy, pushing them away as hard as possible, going from one extreme to another. The lump was caught in my throat as I watched 2 hummingbirds fight it out for space at the feeder. There is space for both so why fight. They were pushing each other away as if fearful that one would get more than the other, or perhaps because at that close proximity, they could get hurt.
And then the lump turned to tears. I am so very afraid of being crushed again that I either push away or try to hard. I have no balance, and it’s with any relationship. I have been pushing my closest friends away, sometimes subtly, isolation, not sharing deep feelings. This isn’t really new news for me, although I thought I had healed this or dealt with it or let it go…whatever I did with it, I thought I did something. Sitting on the steps with tears falling down my cheeks, I knew I had not fully dealt with this fear.
Human beings are pretty damn strong. We survive all types of physical, emotional and spiritual blows. We put ourselves back together, never the same way but together all the same. I have survived every blow to my heart and spirit that has been thrown at me. Friends who chose sides during my divorce. Exes who blew up my heart and the picture of my life that was in my head. Deaths that were not expected and too soon. I have survived them all, and yet I sit in fear of another crushing blow to my heart or spirit. Another time to feel unloved, to feel not worthy.
And that is what it all comes down to for me. I am so afraid of not feeling loved or not being worthy of love. I have ripped this idea apart over the years with therapists, writing, exploring, I can’t seem to get to the very heart of it. And maybe I never will, and instead of trying, I so need to let this go. I need to unblock this and get rid of it once and for all. It has, at times, impacted all parts of my life.
So why isn’t it so easy? Has it become a convenient excuse? Do I use my depression and tendencies as a crutch? I have never thought that before. Perhaps I am too hyper sensitive to everything. I read into too much. Someone recently asked me that as I was reacting to a conversation. Perhaps I am too “on alert” for triggers and protecting myself that I overreact to things said and done.
I guess I need more work on this one, to rip it apart again and find a way to let it go. It is definitely contributing to my isolation and the space I am creating between me and the world.
I watched the hummingbirds get into a rhythm and each flying back and forth between the two feeders. They found they didn’t need to fear being hurt. I need to do the same.