Her phone calls come at the right time all of the time. Today was no different as this was perfect timing .  I was just beginning to beat myself up a little. And I was in pain, physical pain and emotional pain. I didn’t realize the latter,  that came out as we talked. Her clairvoyance is not an accident, she does get messages from the universe and often they are incredibly helpful.

As we talked, we both realized that we have not been eating well lately.  We were both describing what we eat and when and although neither of us are eating Big Macs or Nachos consistently, neither of us are eating to fuel our bodies. We are eating for other reasons.  And we both admitted that we weren’t actually beating ourselves up over it like our former patterns would tell us we would.  In fact we are much more complacent about it. Almost an attitude of “whatever.”  That isn’t either of us very often. That is also a big step in my opinion, to not beat myself up but to just realize that I’m not fueling my body, I’m eating poorly.

I don’t over eat food nor do I generally choose poorly with my breakfast or lunch. Dinners are hit or miss at times in terms of being healthy. Of course I’m more of a snack binger. I’m bored, I’m lonely, I eat.  A pattern I still haven’t broken for good. And why is it back as heavily as it is right now? Especially since mid December. I am sure the uncertainty of my mother’s health, my aunt’s broken leg and the additional care they all need has added stress to me. It has also added to my never ending questions around my care as I age.

As we talked I mentioned how bad my right knee is right now, I can hardly walk, cannot wear heals, and I am in pain. Physical Therapy is not working yet and so I am getting frustrated by the lack of improvement and the way this holds me back from doing what I want.

As I was describing this to her I mentioned that my brother and I already spoke about it and we know I won’t let this become like my dad’s knee. I won’t get to a point where I no longer can live the way I want to or do what I want to do. I let her know that I won’t be like my dad. She knows that I love to walk, was loving running, like to bike, love to hike, love to swim, love to kayak! I like being active. I don’t like just sitting around.

My cousin, the intuitive healer, immediately said we needed a session. She believes I have emotions and fears that I need to release. I sat on the other end of the phone thinking, “what? No. this is physical pain, not emotional.”  And then I remembered that the other morning I did look at my emotional pain chart and wonder if any of what was happening was tied to something emotional.  The knee, according to the chart, sometimes means stubborn pride and ego; inability to bend; Fear; inflexibility; won’t give in.  When I read it I saw nothing in parallel with what I’m feeling these days.

She started talking about fear. I obviously missed or blocked the idea that I was ladened in fears.  She rattled them off so quickly as we talked as if I had shared them all readily, yet I really hadn’t.  Fear of being like your dad. Fear of getting older. Fear of not being able to do the things you love to do. And the money fear for me, being alone when I am older and having nobody care for me.  Again I am battling that fear of being left behind by my family and friends.  My gosh, even as I write I have tears in my eyes. This is such a heavy fear of mine that it keeps coming up. I have said this to some members of my family who have all poo-pooed me and the idea that nobody will care for me.  This does not mean I expect to have people caring for me, but I do have a fear that I will end up alone in a nursing home with nobody caring because I have no one in my life. My family all have their own families and I am second. Again that fear of not being important to anyone.

My knee actually has physical things going on with it so this isn’t all emotional. However there is also a lot of emotional angst going on given my binging with food.  The food is always the central way I deal with emotions. I thought I broke that pattern but it is back.  The hurt and fear is at the surface and I’m using food to dull the ache and pain in my heart.

Once again, at least now I know all of that.  And I did schedule time with my cousin to help release some of these fears. We both also decided to commit to eachother that we would look at our food habits and share what we are doing differently to gain some control. This way we don’t begin to beat ourselves up. At least for me that is a vicious cycle…binge, feel bad about it, binge again to get rid of feeling bad, binge again.

Back in the beginning of the year I laid out 5 themes. One was health. This was about being the best I could be physically, emotionally and spiritually.  My focus for the year was to eat cleaner, and detox as well as be more positive, focus on gratitude, meditation and positive self talk. I have not given these things focus yet. After yesterday’s call, it is time to move this to number one for the year.  This is about taking care of me. Someone at work recently said that to me, that with all I’m doing to care take with my family as well as work, to not forget to take care of me. I blew her off.  I acted like I got it.  

I don’t. 

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