Filling the Void…
2015 was a year filled with purging. I cleaned up a lot of eating habits and lost weight. I eat far less proessed foods today and continue to work at cleaner eating, although I fall back into old habits often, can you say chips or chocolate?? I also purged clothes. I was creating a new walk in closet and knew I wanted that closet to only have clothes in that I could and do wear.
In doing so I gave away over 40 bags of clothes to charity. I now have a beautifully organized closet and can wear every item in it. I don’t really need clothing either. I built a 10 foot by 12 foot closet, and it is full. The only clothes not in there are gowns.
Yet I am still shopping.
I justify my shopping very well by the way! I “need” a spring dress in the hottest color this year (a mint green that I haven’t worn yet!). I “don’t have” a scarf that has yellow with brown only with black! The horrors to not have the exact scarf I want or a particular shade of blue in a blouse. Never mind the sandals, flip flops and sneakers that I think I need for this fashion cycle.
I seem to pride myself on my fashion sense which I do like, don’t get me wrong. But I am finding that this is hitting more than just my want to be in style. I am easily spending a few hundred dollars a week right now staying fashionable? I don’t think so. This is reminding me of the purge of food last year and the feelings and emotions that came up.
What I am figuring out is once again I am filling a void. And since I don’t want to fill the void with food, I am with shopping and buying mostly clothes. I had this realization the other evening out to dinner with a friend. I was talking about the 6 pairs of shoes that I purchased at Famous Footwear. My justification was I needed some for the retreat I am going in June. For some reason my worn shoes aren’t good enough for the retreat!
I spent some time reflecting on this idea of filling a void with shopping. This void is about not feeling important to anyone, not being special. I have dealt with this void before by substituting food for someone caring, and thus have yo-yoed with my weight. Now by using shopping I am feeling proud of not using food, and think I look pretty good, and of course there is an added benefit of compliments given because the outfits are new, different and most of the time flattering. What woman doesn’t like having a man tell her she looks great? Since that relationship is part of what is missing for me, I love to get it from whoever I see.
Not feeling special to anyone is really the void. Not having someone who cares about me, wants to spend time with me and makes me their priority is a big void in my life. I am seen as the fixer, the one who is independent and doesn’t need anyone, so my family doesn’t treat me as important or special. Which I actually get, I created that by never asking for help. And there is no one at this time who I am a priority to, so that void is growing. I want it more today than ver, probably because I am finally in a place where I know I can fully love someone. I finally love me, so I know I can love someone else.
So I figured out the void. Certainly not a big leap for me to hone in on, but what do I do with this now is my conundrum. I believe I need to do few things, although some of it is just going to be discipline! Stop shopping Suzy!
I have to be special to me, I don’t need someone else to make me feel special. I continue to battle that and feel sorry for myself about not having anyone who is my champion. I have to be my own champion. I need to give up some ideas of perfect relationships, stop being scared and realize that if I really want to be special and important to someone I need to meet someone. I can’t just sit home or walk the mall thinking that person is going to fall at my doorstep! I need to put myself out there. I don’t today.
And last I need to fill the void differently. We all have voids in our life that we need to deal with, so I need to be more constructive with my filling of this one. Shopping is better than food, but running, walking in nature, going for road trips alone, and other experiences that bring me joy may be ways to fill this void that won’t make me fat or broke!
I may end up shopping today, but at least I am now mindful about it and will question what I am buying and why!!
Love the last line Suzy. That awareness at different points for different behaviors proved to be life altering for me. Hugs June
For me too June, each time I peel a layer, i experience a deeper healing!