I have been writing this blog for three years now, and it is rare when I truly cannot pull together my thoughts and be passionate about what I want to share. Sometimes it takes until Sunday morning to get there but it is rare that I feel as I have this entire week. Normally, something catches me off guard during the week, or something just hits me; a quote, a conversation, a revelation! I formulate my thoughts very often over time, sometimes subconsciously.
My mind has been everywhere this week, and nowhere this week. I haven’t been able to focus on anything for too long. One minute I’m reading a quote and thinking that not only does it resonate, it feels like a lesson, a learning, a fear, a something and the next minute I am numb and thinking about nothing. I realized today that I hadn’t really allowed myself a lot of emotion or feeling all week except in response to one person. That person got the wrath of me a lot of the week, hearing voicemails of me yapping away venting, or just not being nice. Otherwise I have been numb. I have been running and going through motions without a lot of thought, and certainly without emotion. Emotion was saved for those moments when I was driven to the edge and needed to explode. And then I explode.
As I reflected a little on why my mind has been everywhere I realize that the amount of change and loss this year that I have experienced and the continual giving of my time and attention has taken its toll on me. I am stressed and can feel my patience begin to wear thin. I know most people who know me do not think I have much patience to begin with, which is true. So I am sure learning that it is wearing thin would cause some to be wary of crossing my path. I don’t blame them! I don’t even want to cross my path these days. I feel like the anger is seething just under the surface of my skin, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting person who triggers me.
I found myself either highly emotional or numb. There has been no in between for quite a while. I need to find evenness, I need to rid myself of this negative energy. I found myself looking for ways to change my thinking, be less emotional and not numb. I almost gave up when I happened to come across this quote:
When you look back on 2017, don’t think of it as a year of pain
But a year of growth. You made it through each day. You should be
Proud of yourself. You are a better you, despite all the hardships.
Take a deep breath and enter 2018 with hope and confidence.
A year of growth instead of pain, as we did get through each day. The days that we thought we wouldn’t make it, we did. The moments that we thought we might die, we did not. The moments when we thought we couldn’t survive without that person by our side, whether they passed away, or left us intentionally, we survived. Hmm, could I think about the pain more as growth, be grateful that I survived it all, with humor but not all grace!
When we think of all of that , we are better for it, even if that is a bit hard to see right now. I go back and read a lot of what I have written to see just how far I have come. Too often I forget. I know that I grew this year. I am beginning to truly believe that I deserve better than I have had in many ways, versus not being good enough. My nemesis most of my life, my own head, my self judgement and lack of full self love. This year I began to really break through and believe more in me. I could have let the year completely break me, but I didn’t, I pushed and slogged forward.
Enter 2018 with hope and confidence, and I am on many levels. My confidence in my ability to build something new for me is high, I know I will enjoy and reap many benefits from chapter 2!
I have hope and confidence that as I re-open my heart, I will attract the love that I deserve. No longer will I tolerate being an after -thought, or being used. I know what I am worth, and worthy of and nothing less will do.
Perhaps I have been numb. Perhaps I have been emotional. I have felt much loss and pain. I have grown as well, and I have survived the pain.
Take a deep breath, and let’s go forward with hope and confidence.