I like and can relate to much of Adele’s music. She captures many of the conflicted feelings that stir and at times choke me. Her most recent hit, “Hello”, resonates a lot with me at this point in my life and evolution.
I spent a long time blaming my ex-husband for what caused the marriage to collapse. I took a little accountability, focused on my being strong, probably domineering at times. But often I would use the phrase “we were passionately in love and passionately in hate.” I think that sums up part of the marriage.
I have come to realize over the years that I was in and out of a depression during those years and that had a major impact on my marriage. It had such a hold on me, on who I thought I was. I could be so very harsh. I couldn’t show up and create the marriage we deserved.
I wasn’t me.
I now truly understand how hard it had to have been to love me then. I didn’t love me. I give him credit for hanging in as long as he did, 16 years in total. He knew me well and for a long time accepted me for who I was. We were together from our teenage years and never evolved our communication. We still could fight like high schoolers and we both had a temper.
As I was listening to Adele one night I realized that I was wishing I could speak to my ex and tell him that I now fully understand the impact of my depression. I now understand how he saw me as critical at times and sometimes walked on eggshells. I judged him harshly at times, just as I judged myself. I held me to the same ridiculous standard as I held him to.
I realize however, that the last thing he needs or wants in his life is a call from me. That call would be about me not at all about him.
I’ve gotten through it, my heart was closed, was broken. But I did, through all of my healing, find the blessings in these events by growing, by understanding how this event awakened me. Over these years, I have regained my power.
It took a long time for me to become me. I was a depressed version of me, certainly struggling with self- love; I was self-critical and self-esteem. On the outside I exuded confidence and a spirited personality. On the inside, far less so.
Now, I’m me. I am vulnerable yet strong. I am spirited and emotional. I am easily hurt and I love fully. I do most everything from the heart.
I also wanted him to know that. That I had healed so much and was more comfortable in my skin today than I have ever been. And for that blessing I am grateful my relationship and marriage with him was part of my journey.
I am me.