I am Worthy

The little boy wanted to stand up and scream at everyone. His hands were fidgety as he squirmed in his chair. He couldn’t understand why these people thought they knew the answers to everything. Instead of hearing what they were saying to each other, he could only hear “I blah blah blah, I.” Although only 8 he was smart and knew that this was a sign of a know-it-all. He didn’t like those kids. The bullies who thought they knew everything. He never understood how come he was the only one who saw how fake they were, how much they really didn’t know as they talked and said nothing substantive. Right at this moment he was ready to pop. He envisioned his head popping off his shoulders, rising into the air and blowing up with all the noise that he was hearing. He almost chuckled out loud from that visual when he saw a text on his phone. “Breathe” it said. He looked at his only real friend in the room who was looking right at him. He realized that his face must have been distorted with expression, both the “huh, what are you saying?” look and the “you are crazy” look.
At that moment the 8 year old snapped out of it and realized he was a 50+plus year old woman and couldn’t just stand up and yell at people in a business meeting. After a few breathes, I gathered my composure and sat through the rest of meeting. That evening, as I drove home I realized that I needed to find a way to heal that 8 year old boy, that past life with the deep wound focused on “not being good enough.” I think this has shown me that I deserve better. It really isn’t as much about not being good enough, it is about not letting these people think they are better and getting what I deserve versus what I thought I was worth. Whoa! That was earth shattering for me. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I thought about this. I have spent too much energy and time thinking I needed to fix me because I wasn’t good enough. I am realizing that it isn’t about not being good enough. It is about deserving more and holding out for what is better.
I am finally realizing that I don’t deserve being treated as such a low priority. I don’t want to be the low person on the totem pole. I deserve better than second. I deserve better than being treated as if I am an annoyance versus value add, both at work and personally.
This realization really came through a conversation with my dad. I am on the brink of some decisions and he is, as any father would be, concerned that I’m going to trip and fall versus land on my feet. I was crying as he and I were talking. I finally just said to him, “I deserve better dad. I am worthy of being treated better and of being happier than I am.” Hmmm, that flew out of my mouth without my thinking about it. Perhaps I really believed that for a change. Or at least for that moment, I believed.
I know Dad is just worrying that I am in an emotional state making important decisions. I explained that I have been contemplating my decision for a while, this actually made it clear. I am deserving of something so much better, bigger and happier. I am worthy.
My 8 year old boy inside may be beginning to heal. Perhaps he is just hiding, maybe he is skeptical of the healing, but he is beginning to heal. He must. He deserves much more than feeling inadequate and so do I. Here’s to deserving more, knowing your worth and not letting others keep you in that box any longer.
I am worthy.

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