I was on the phone with a colleague this week as we are working together on a project. She is a peer of mine who I have tremendous respect for as a leader, as a human resources professional and as someone who is truly authentic. She inspires me to continue to learn and grow as a professional. When she has made observations in the past I pay close attention as I find her insights and connections to the bigger picture very valuable.
During the conversation she shared that she thought I seemed very happy. She had noticed the amount of work I had done on myself over the last few years and commended me for it. I was surprised by her comments, mostly because I didn’t think I talked about some of the work I have done along my journey with her, but I was obviously mistaken. I do share my journey with anyone who wants to understand but didn’t recall sharing as much with her as I must have. Or somehow she noticed.
Her words made me think more about how was I showing up that she noticed. Somehow she knew just how much work I had done over the past few years to rid myself of negative self-talk, focus on the positive, change the way I see things. I have always been good at covering up my depression, covering up my hurt. I crack jokes at my own expense, I smile and laugh and inside dying, a slow methodical death of negativity at the hands of my inner victim!
Over the last few years I have changed the inner voice, and worked to rid myself of the inner victim. I took control of my negativity and focused on what was causing it, why was I being a victim of my own life?
What are some signs of being an inner victim? One I found myself doing a lot was comparing myself to others. “She is prettier.” “ He is more successful, and getting better opportunities than I.” “ They have an amazing relationship.” I could and did compare myself to everyone. And I was always on the losing end of that comparison. Being a victim I could rationalize it as this was all being done to me probably as a punishment for something I didn’t do. Or something I did. Or I allowed the events of my life to define me. Again the victim of circumstance. This takes comparing to blaming. Another way to be a victim. It is never a victim’s fault, so placing blame elsewhere is always easy. It was my exes not me that ruined my relationships, because of what they were lacking. Now we know it is never one person, so my rational self knew that. My troubled, negative victim-self couldn’t see that all of the time. I was the girl who lost a brother fairly young in life. Of course that event shapes things in your life, but shouldn’t define it as I allowed it to. Focusing on the negative is a big sign of the inner victim. The world is always dark, which is why you can then compare and place blame. These all go together.
So what are some ways we can all rid ourselves of the inner victim. We all have that voice in us, just some of us are better at noticing it quickly and changing the tune and some of us take longer. I feel as if I have taken longer than most to figure all of this out. That’s what a 25 year silent depression does to you, lulls you into a sense that this is the way it is supposed to be and this is who you are.
The first step in annihilating the inner victim is paying attention to when the victim is in control. Realizing in the moment that you are comparing, blaming, brooding, avoiding or focusing solely on the negative is a first step. That means being mindful and in the moment as much as possible. What is triggering the inner victim? What are you a victim of? These are questions we all need to ask ourselves on our journey to a more positive and present life.
Once we realize it is happening, we need to focus on the bigger picture. Take a step back and think about why this is happening now. Understand the trigger.
Once we realize the trigger, we can think about what to do with that. Is there something we need to release because it no longer serves us? Are there beliefs about one self that need to be reshaped and released into the universe to make room for a new belie? Are there desires that we need to share with the universe so that they manifest? Once we rid ourselves of our inner victim we should have room for new, for loving ourselves.
This is where intentions come into play. Each morning I try to state my intentions around what I want to release as it no longer serves me and what I desire to help the universe manifest those dreams with me. This is a way of ridding me of that victim. I have taken control.
It is only then that we can step into ourselves, into the power we have and be who we were meant to be. We have to own our inner victim and then kick that sucker right out of our head and heart. We are not victims, we are not defined by the events in our lives.
The inner victim has nothing on my loving caring self. Sometimes, I just need to be reminded that I am loving and caring and me. I don’t need to compare myself to others. I am no longer the victim of my negativity. I release that lack of self-worth into the universe as it no longer serves me. I am powerful. I am present. I am the best version of me.
Suzy, your descriptions of triggers help us all! Thanks for sharing… All of us benefit from you in our lives!